Tuesday, September 11, 2007

WARNING: If you are MALE, you should skip this post!!! You've been WARNED!!!!

Seriously, here is your TMI warning......

So, I debated on whether or not to blog this. It's not like it's
that offensive or that bad. But, I was worried it might be over the top for my blog. So, when I called one friend, she just laughed with me (which I expected) and laughed when I said I was thinking of blogging it. And when I talked to another good friend, she laughed her butt off. I told her I was thinking of blogging it, but was worried it might be too "over the top" for my blog and she said, "Really? Haven't you already taken your blog over the top?!!!"

HA HA HA!!! Point Taken!!

(Thanks for the encouragement.......I don't even know why I was worried.)

I guess because the subject is so taboo. But, really, isn't poop a taboo subject? And we already covered that one...... And honestly, I think it's dumb that nobody talks about it. That's why I have to ask dumb questions at the age of 38. If we did talk about it, then I'd know already. I mean, really, don't all women under the age of 55-60 (with a few exceptions) have to deal with these things every single month?!

As far as my pre-pubescent information, I only really knew what I had to know. Although I don't remember the exact moment my mom told me about my upcoming period, I'm sure she did. (And in an interesting turn of fate, I got my first period just after I turned 12, in the summer, while visiting my grandparents for 2 weeks and yes, I was wearing WHITE SHORTS. Yes, seriously.And then, my Grandma took me to the store, gave me $5 and told me to buy what I needed. Umm.....talk about overwhelming.....)

**ok....stop laughing at me**

And there was "the movie" at school. (which my son just had in May for the end of the 5th grade year - and for the record, yesterday, the pediatrician tells me he's in the 2nd phase of puberty.....EEEEEK! He's only 11!!)

And lastly, some of my "pre-puberty" comfort/information came from
The book by Judy Blume. Didn't we all just about stalk the elementary
school librarian, just waiting for someone to return this book, so we could check it out?!?! I know I did. Whose with me here?!?!?! Ha ha ha!

So, here we go.....

Many of my close friends already know that I don't do tampons.

I have never been properly taught about them. Meaning, my mom was always so afraid of getting the Toxic Shock Syndrome that she never used them, so therefore, I never used them. I never even really knew much about them.....because of "the fear" of the TSS. Now, I'm not trying to downplay the fact that there was a large number of women who got TSS and became very ill and died in the early 1980's. It happened and it was serious and it scared a lot of women. And this is what fueled my mother's very realistic fears.

From what I understand, this TSS that my mom worried about then, is very rare now. And you can reduce your chances of having a problem by following the safety rules of tampon usage. You can find those here..........

And did you know that only 50% of TSS cases are actually related to menstruating women? I found this very interesting. I thought it was 100% limited to menstruating women. But, that is not so. Read here.

So, even with all that information aside, I have been extremely reluctant over the years to embrace the tampon. Part of it was lack of the knowledge of "exactly" how to use it. Part of it was fear. Part of it was due to a bad first experience. More on that last one in a minute...

When I went to college, I lived in a dorm. And so many of my dorm mates were completely surprised that I had not ever used a tampon. And, of course, I was so naive, I even thought using a tampon had something to do with whether or not you have had sex. How dumb is that?! But, I never admitted that out loud, because I didn't want to embarrass myself or offend anyone. So, because I was a virgin, I had no interest in learning about tampons. I even believed I couldn't use them for that reason. Like I said, I was very naive.

Eventually, when I was a Sophomore in College, I was engaged to a very intelligent guy from a very open family. He couldn't believe that I had never used a tampon. And because I was still a virgin, I didn't feel it was a possibility. And when I confessed to him my belief that tampon usage was related to chastity, he couldn't believe it. So, one time when he went to the store, he picked up a box of the most expensive tampons for me. (I know, it seems weird, but we were very close and as much as my period was a pain in my rear, he was only trying to make things better for me.) Anyway, with my new tampons and some encouragement from him.....I decided to try them one night while he was at night class and I was studying at his apartment alone.

So, after I intensely studied the instructions from the box, I gathered every ounce of courage I had and I tried to "use" the tampon. Not having any experience or practical knowledge, I emerged from the bathroom and I was surprised how "uncomfortable" it was. But, I had just defiled myself (in my eyes) and had no idea what to expect. So, I figure I must be just freaking out and go downstairs to study. Within minutes, I was in pain. Not shooting pain, but the kind of pain that you just know something is not right. I decide I just need to calm down. I try to sit on the couch. It hurts. I try to sit on the bed. It hurts. I am panicking. I'm sweating. And I don't know what to do. I decide to try to ignore it. I must just be acting like a big baby about this whole thing. But, no matter where I try to sit, I hurt. Finally, desperate,
I call a close friend who lives 3 hours away, but a girl older than me and a girl I trust. I am bawling by now. Once she calms me down to stop crying,
I explain my dilemma. Missy explains to me that the tampon is not "in" all the way and that I need to push it up.

And I reply, "With what?!"

Missy says, "With your finger, of course." I FREAK OUT. Remember, I am extremely naive and I had no intention of doing that.

So, I tell her, "That's it, I'm taking it out."

To which, Missy replies, "How long has it been in?"

And I say, "About 30 minutes. Why?"

Missy says, "Well, you can try, but it's going to be hard to do it and
it's really going to hurt."

And I start to sob again. "But, how can it hurt more than it already does?"

Missy says, "Trust me, it can. Try to wait a while longer before you take it out. But, I'd try to push it in first so it will stop hurting until you can take it out."

So, with a quick thank you, I hang up the phone and head to the bathroom.

I decide that I am through with this tampon and that sucker is coming out.

So, gathering as much or more courage than it took to place it.....I grab the string and try to gently remove it. I'm so scared, I'm already bawling my eyeballs out. OH. MY. HELL. It felt like I was trying to rip the insides of me out!!! Missy was right, it was torture. But now, it REALLY hurt, because I had moved it and it had moved into an even worse position.

So, there was really no choice, I had to attempt to get it in it's correct position. So, I try to stop bawling long enough to "get the job done," but I can't seem to control my sobbing. So, shaking like a leaf, I tried to remedy the problem. But, I'm still a little too conservative with my attempt to fix the problem. And it's still clear to me that something is still not right.

So, I cry and cry and wait another 1 1/2 hours (the recommended time Missy said to wait before trying to remove it again) and head to the bathroom. To my surprise, this time the experience is without as much drama as before. But, the emotional damage was done.

When my fiance' made it home, he took one look at my red, puffy eyes and he knew things had not gone well. I immediately started bawling again and he comforted me. But I had no interest in touching that box of tampons again. And I didn't for many, many years.

(Yes, more proof I have always been a drama queen!!)

So, aside from a Memorial Day celebration, when I was at a cabin on the river with a boyfriend and his friends (that I didn't know) and I unexpectedly found myself in need of a feminine product before we floated the river. It was only our second date and sometimes you just have to do what you have to do! So, I found a girl who had a tampon and...well, really, what choice did I have?!

But, aside from that, I have not really used a tampon in many, many years.
I just had NO interest in them anymore.

Until.....we moved to Kansas and I have a nice pool in my backyard and 4 children who would like nothing more than to spend every single summer day in our swimming pool.

And when Logan's birthday swimming party landed during my "time," I had a choice to make. Skip swimming with my child at his party or suck it up and do the tampon thing.

So, the choice was actually easy.

I was going to use a tampon. Although the decision was not without the challenges of the neurotic issues I have regarding the use of tampons.

I didn't even have to go to the store to get them, yep, I already had this
box of tampons. I know this must surprise you. But, I keep this box for my friends. Ya know, if you come over to my house and need a tampon, I can give you one, rather than a gigantic pad. (Can you see how the box is crunched? Well, that is because this box has traveled from Oklahoma to Georgia to Kansas and I have had this box for over 5 years!!!
And it's only missing 10 tampons total!!!)
And while we are taking a closer look at the box, here is that dreaded
Toxic Shock Syndrome warning we were talking about!!
So, everything was successful for Logan's party, but after that, I just avoided the swimming pool during those times. Isn't that dumb?

Since having our children, I have found myself faced with cycles that are extremely difficult to deal with. And after dealing with this for several years and the problem seeming to be worse, I brought the subject up to my ObGyn. He actually suggested a minor surgical procedure that would eliminate the problem. But, quite frankly, that scares the crap out of me.

So, each month, I wear the ginormous pads and deal with it. I attempt to not make plans for the first day or two of my expected cycle, because I know those days will be horrid. I also know there is a better than 98% chance
that I will have an accident because of my awful cycles!

So, this morning, I am laying on the couch watching M and G playing with the pretend food and dishes. And by the time I can "feel" what's happening, there is already a spot the size of a baseball on my brand new couch. I WAS FURIOUS!!!! I am so stinkin' sick and tired of this, every single month.

So, I quickly ran to the bathroom to remedy the situation. I was so angry. I impulsively dug out the crushed box of tampons and grabbed one from the box. And before I knew it, I was wearing a tampon. And in my fury, I realized that if you get it in correctly (read: in far enough) than you really CAN NOT FEEL IT!!

And all of a sudden, after 2 decades, I understand how it works.

I feel like I have conquered something really big. And I accomplished wearing several more today and I feel like a free woman! It's my second day of my period and I can do whatever I want. I'm not afraid to go out of my house. It's a blissful feeling to not have to worry about anything. (especially the embarrassment of bleeding all over my clothing while out in public!)

(well, except I have to confess that now that I've had several tampons in my body in the past 24 hours, I am trying not to obsess about that darn TSS!!!! But, I am obsessing just a little bit........)

The one thing I can't quite grasp, is how in the world do you know when to change it? I mean, really?! How do you KNOW?! (which is why I called my friend this morning! Yes, the friend who laughed. It's ok, I expect her to laugh.....) A tampon is not like a turkey, when it's ready to come out, the little timer pops out! I mean, it's not like you can "check it" and put it back if it needs more time. Maybe I'll have to work on inventing the first tampon with a pop-out timer that smacks you in the leg when it needs to be changed and I'll become rich and famous. (shut up)

So, now I am interested in what I've been missing all these years.....

....the "retro" tampons I used are Playtex brand. I like them fine.

But, I recently received this sample of Tampax Pearls in the mail...
So, I tried them out, too.

And since it's my "heavy" day, I decided that I'd try the Super one.

Holy Moly, I felt like a stuffed turkey!
I don't think I'll be doing that again any time soon!!!!

But, the regular size....well, I liked them a lot.
(gosh, why does that sounds so dirty?!?)

So, after all this new enlightenment to tampons, I want to use "the best." So, in my research I found some things I'd like to share with you. Now, mind you, this research is in the school of public opinion, so I spent some time on my favorite message board reading what the most opinionated group of women I know have to say on the subject of brands. After all my reading, I was no closer to figuring out which was the "best" tampon. Why? Because every person seems to have a different opinion. And it depends on who you choose to listen to. Feel free to comment which brand is your favorite and why!!!!

So, I have determined, the "best" one will be the one that works
BEST FOR ME. I'll let you know when I figure it out.

Have you ever seen the OB Tampons? It totally cracks me up how the OB Tampons look like little bullets. Well, ever since I received these samples and the cute little carrying case (they sent me the blue one).... ....I've been wanting to try them out. But, again, I couldn't bring myself to do it. I mean, really, NO APPLICATOR?!?! NONE!! But, maybe I'll get brave... tomorrow.

***edited to add*** Well, it's official, the OB's fate is a couple of ghosts or a bullet for the tampon shooter! I tried it. I hated it. Never got it to where it was going....if you know what I mean. As Jamie would say, "The Flamingo never made it to the hoo-ha!" Therefore, it basically fell out. And that, well that was not fun. I'm done with those! But, for those who love the OB brand, well, they love them. But, my opinion is NO. Mark my words, I will never do that again!** finished edit**

Now, the OB case got me started thinking that there must be other cases to keep my beloved new tampons from getting crushed in my purse. (and if you've seen the inside of my purse, you'd understand why I have this concern!! I keep everything in there.....)

And these are a few tampon cases I've found....

A case for the "classy" girl.....
(looks like an eyeglasses case to me)

A case for the "crafty" girl.....
(I really love the banana....isn't it cute?! But I'm not sure what the pink
one is....unless it's just a tampon "cozy"....)

A case for the "funny" girl........

(It comes with the handy/dandy cycle chart, too! Bonus!)

Which one is your favorite??

And, if this whole tampon thing doesn't work out.....
here are some ideas for what I can do with the leftovers.....

With Halloween just around the corner, this is PERFECT.......
....I can make a ton of these cute tampon ghosts and hang them from the tree in front of my house! Who could resist these cuties?!!

Or, I could paint them brown....and let Griffin haul "logs" with this truck....

(thank goodness he didn't see me taking this picture....)

And my husband and boys would love it if I gave them the
OB bullets and let them build this "tampon shooter!"

Nice ammo!!!

Another thing I found......

And, I found this bumper sticker hilarious!! I mean, really, don't we all feel this way during our "time of the month?!?" I know I do!!! PMS sucks!

And just for the record:

~No tampons were hurt in the preparation of this blog-post.

~NEVER, EVER Google tampon on Google Images.
Trust me on this one....someone pass the eye bleach!!

~My hoo haw is still wondering what's going on down there!
(sorry, TMI, but I mean really, does it matter at this point?!)

~Ha Ha! Big Daddy was actually impressed I used the tampons! Yea, me!
(yes, we tell each other everything!)

Last, but not least.....I have gathered links so you can get some free tampons!!! Here are links for you to get some free samples....
Click on the cutey OB cases to get a free sample and cutey carry case!!

Click on the Playtex box for a free sample!!

Click on the Tampax Pearl box to get a free sample!!


Sherry said...

FINALLY!!!! Congratulations. :) I'm a Kotex girl myself but those cute OB cases could get me to switch! You're too funny.

FlipFlop Mom said...

OH GIRL.. OH GIRL!!! this was GREAT.. absolutely 100% GREAT!! I LOVED IT!! LOL LOL LOL LOL.....
I love tampax pearl.. LOVE THEM!! and I think that pink case is actually a uterus with ovaries... LOL LOL that's what it looks like to me!!!

This is great!!!!!
And I have never ever ever wanted to try OB.. cause you seriously have to use your fingers.. no way I want to be "diggin" up there... bluck!! LOL LOL

the real ~Roxann~ said...

Ooooooooooow...a uterus and ovaries...ooooooooooooooow. Not that's just wrong, but now that you said it, that's all I can see!!!!!

TOO HILARIOUS!!! (and gross)
but still HILARIOUS!!!!!!

I'm so glad you are around to show that which I cannot see. (I seriously must still be traumatized in this area.....) Ha ha ha!!!

*** hunzer *** said...

First of all ~ kick ASS on the weightloss!!

Second of all ~ this post has reminded me exactly WHY I am happy that I no longer have my utes. Dang...and I remember the tampon frustrations as a teenager. A fucking man had to have come up with that shit.

Perhaps a "Congrats on your first successful tampon usage" card is in order? *wink* Be thankful I don't know your address or you would be getting some funky shit in your mail next week!


the real ~Roxann~ said...

Hunz...ya big tease! I would give anything to see what crazy stuff you'd come up with!!!



Stacy Armstrong ~ Come on in, The Studio is Open ~ said...

I don't know, but I think hallmark should make a card for this occasion!


Anonymous said...

Well congratulations...this story was a big hit at Trisha's Stampin' Up party tonight! Haaaaa... Love the uterus and ovaries holder...definitely my fave, but of course it would be wouldn't it? :)

Nikki said...

This was seriously one of the best posts! Thanks for finding us some cute carrying cases (I like the "Don't cramp my style" one). Right now, my tampons are just haphazardly thrown in my purses and they fall out at the worst times (in church, when a stranger at the post office asks to borrow a pen and Nate even had one in his hand at the store - who knows how long he had it before I saw him!). I really need one of those case things!

Kerry said...


Tam said...

Okay I am finally posting something about this for you. Always Always Always....do I need to say more. My mother freaked me out as a young girl with the horror stories also. So for years I had to use kotex until I got married and had to choose for myself. Still can feel those tampons....did I mention Always Always....ok my choice is the Always brand of pads.

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