But in her message, she said, "I have you penciled in for next week and I'm willing to talk to you."
Well, honestly, I didn't know how to interpret this.
First, she had said she wouldn't see me until school started and now she has me penciled in at my normal time. To be honest, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. (as I previously discussed here)
So, after much thought...I decided to go. But, it took me until right up to the last minute. In fact, I almost chickened out a few times and didn't go. I just didn't want to have to deal with it. But, I decided I better do it. So, I went.
I was so nervous, I was panicked. I had no idea what she'd say or what I'd say, but I knew I was still angry with how she had treated me....when what happened was out of my control!
So, I walked right in and I said, "Well, I was very surprised to hear you had me penciled in for today."
And, she actually looked surprised.
I don't know if it was that she had forgotten what she had originally said or if she was surprised I was standing up for myself. After all, one of the big issues we have been dealing with is in regard to my inability to stand up to my mother-in-law for all these years.
So, I guess thru my anger with her and my trust in her broken, I felt like I had nothing to lose. So, I said what I really wanted to say..... (have you noticed I am doing this alot lately???)
I told her that I could not control what happened. I also told her that I could not guarantee that it won't happen again. I told her, in the news business, it's always unpredictable. And if something happens, such as a plane crash or severe weather....Big Daddy will be at work and I will be at home with the kids. And it will be a last minute change that neither he, nor I can control.
I told her to charge us for the missed appointments if she likes. (to which she responded, well, I won't this time since we had not previously discussed it.)
Well, I said, "Charge us if you wish."
(seriously, don't do me any favors that you'll hold over my head at a later time......)
I told her to quit asking us to get a babysitter every week, because it is not going to happen.
I told her that I knew people probably try to bs her every day.....but I wasn't one of them. I am committed to therapy. And my husband is committed to getting me there. She questions my hubby's commitment to my therapy. But, she's wrong. He's behind me 110%.
And then I told her that I did not appreciate her "tough love" approach and that she had hurt my feelings. I said, "I'm a girl with trust issues and by hurting me, I didn't know if I could continue to trust her." I told her that in response to what had happened that I went into a panic in regard to my therapy with her, because I felt like things had been progressing so well, I was very frustrated and panicked that I had disappointed her. I also felt that now I didn't know if we could move past all this mess and trust her again not to hurt me. I felt she had given me a "verbal spanking" because I was a "bad girl." Isn't that just weird?! But, that's how I felt.
I was really proud of myself for not backing down.
She was shocked to hear how strongly I had reacted to what had happened. (See, she still doesn't really know me at all!! Anyone that knows me KNOWS that I generally have strong reactions to situations like this!! Read: Drama Queen!!)
Well, I eventually agreed to try to work it out. I don't want to run away at the smallest little bump in the road.
And I think she understands a bit better where I am coming from.............maybe............
And, in this little town....it's not that easy to just "find a new therapist." But, I'll tell you, this is her 2nd chance with me. And if it doesn't go well, there will not be a 3rd chance.
What pi$$es me off the most...is I had to PAY for 1/2 and hour of therapy just to deal with what happened!
I definitely think you should have to PAY for dealing w/ crap that the therapist caused!!!!
Oh, well. It was clear when we tried to move on to something else, that I was having trouble trusting her. I was not open like I usually am. I was having trouble talking about things. It sucked. And I hope it gets better. Very soon.