So, what's worse?

Feeling like your crazy or actually being crazy?


Now, forgive me, I don't mean to make fun of being crazy, but since I am being treated for mental stuff, I think I have a right to joke, in order to deal with things.

I know being crazy isn't funny...it's actually can be very sad. Trust me, I deal with these issues and try to figure out where I fall into this very wide category. (my therapist assures me I am not as crazy as I sometime feel....I'm just my own worst critic and my inner judge is really harsh....see, I am a meanie...to myself!)


Anyways, so my quest today is to get an appointment with a Psychiatrist. (this is a doctor, who manages meds and can evaluate mental capabilities and issues) So, basically, this doctor will make sure that some anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression are my only issues....and I need to know.


To be honest, this scares the crap out of me. What if he determines I am nuts. What if he gives me some diagnosis that I don't want to carry. (sorry, but some diagnoses carry some pretty bad stigmas.) And, believe me, I have enough on my plate now! But, I will, as always, deal with whatever info I am given.


As I have said before, I just want off the roller coaster!
(and sometimes medical management is necessary for this to happen...I guess we'll see what happens...)



But, today I was reminded I live in a small town. (Yes, my town is bigger than Richmond Hill but smaller than Savannah.) So, anyway, there are 11 Psychiatrists listed on my insurance, but that list was quickly whittled down to 3. The first has closed her office. The second only practices every Saturday and two Thursdays a month....read, I can't get an appt. w/ him until August 18th. The third is a Christian therapist, which I am not opposed to, but I'm a little scared that I might accidentaly drop the "F-bomb" or some version of it in front of her, as I have a tendency to do when I talk about that fu@*er that raped me.
(I just call it like I see it!)

But, I can handle it fine. I'm trying to quit cussing anyway and I am really good at censoring myself around children and my brother and parents.

So, if I break out in a #*$PICKLES*#% will this one be able to handle my CRAZY?


After all, I am just trying to protect her from me. Is it crazy that I feel the need to do that?


So, whose the crazy one now?

I'm a baaaaaaaad blogger and other random thoughts...

**warning..whiney hiney post ahead**

#1- I'm in a bad mood because I woke up w/ a killer headache and I'm WAY to busy today to deal with that. I'm just waiting for the Excederin Migraine to kick in and scoop me out of the crap pile.

#2- I am stressed out over that damn house in Richmond Hill. That thing has got to sell. It's killing us financially. KILLING US. If anyone has a money tree...let me know. I need a loan.

#3- Why does it seem like I've fallen off the face of the earth for the past two weeks. Well, first, I've kinda hit rock bottom. By this I mean, I have been really depressed. The I can't hardly drag myself out of bed kind of depressed. (If it weren't for the princess and her brothers...I would not get out of bed.) I went thru the exact thing when I moved to GA. It happens at just past the 2 month mark of moving. We've reached the time when I've been gone from GA long enough that I'm more of a memory, and no longer a part of my old friend's day to day lives. (man, that hurt just typing it) *tears now* I knew it would come. In a way, I expected it. And unfortunately, it still kicked me straight in the a$$. And this time, it's largely my fault. I have not kept up with all my old friends as much as I would have liked to. (well, sorta my fault but mostly the fault of the damn phone company here, who has now made me pay for every damn call I make....rather than my GA phone company who let me have my Long Distance for free.) **this was not intended to make anyone feel bad....just trying to get my feelings out....**

Second, we have invited Ike's boss over for dinner tonight, so I have been bustin' my booty trying to whip this place into shape. (funny thing about being depressed...you tend to not stay on top of things....so I've been paying the price for that all week.) It's not that the place is a pig sty or anything, but it's harder to keep things neat and clean, when you are still trying to determine where things actually belong and unpack boxes, along with keep a family of six running. Plus, I want to decorate some, but the $$ I need to do it is tied up in that GA house, so it really sucks.

Bottom line, I am exhausted. Emotionally and Physically exhausted.

#4- Ike leaves for Las Vegas on Saturday for almost a week. Yep, while I sit here alone w/ no friends...he's gonna be in Vegas livin' the high life! (if our GA house had sold, I'd be there with him! how bad does that suck??) So, it's a news director training/convention thing, but you know they will be partying and drinking and gambling every night....... Ike and I love Vegas and it sucks we won't be together this time. More than anything, I just hate knowing he's leaving town and I'm stuck here with no back up. If there were an emergency...it would take at least 5 hours for my dad/stepmom to get here.

The ONLY good news of this whole thing is....since my house will be perfectly clean by the end of today....I'll be scrapbooking my butt off next week! Yep, it's true, the beginnings of my scrap area is done.....now it's just a matter of adding finishing touches, which probably won't happen until that damn house sells. (Have I mentioned I have a house for sale in GA?! Ha ha ha!)

#5- I had a complete meltdown last night. Between being completely wiped out and not being able to find my mom's cookbook...Ike thought he was gonna have to drop me off at the looney bin. All I could do was lay in my bed and cry. Well, until I tore off to the garage to search boxes for the book at 11:29pm, when I should have been asleep. That book means the world to me and it's irreplacable, of course. I find that I tend to obsess about things that are connected to my mom. (who me? obsess? hmmmm....)

#6- As Mother's Day approaches every year, as much as I look forward to it because it's a day for me, I hate it. It's a double edged sword, because it also means that I am face to face with the fact my mom is gone. And it sucks. And being the 10th anniversary of her death this summer....I still miss her so much. And I still don't understand the unfairness of it all.

#7- Seriously, they are forcasting 2-4 inches of snow here tonight and tomorrow. Can you believe that? News flash, it's mid-April!! Mother Nature, apparently did not get the memo!!My redbud out front is in full bloom and we have a nest w/ 3 eggs and they say it's gonna snow! I can't believe it! I guess we'll see!

#8- I still don't have not even ONE real friend here. Doesn't that suck? Well, since the depression hit full-force, I've been a complete shut-in. (and since the temp has been in the 30-40's, I've avoided going out....) Anyway, I have got to find a friend. Pray that I find one soon.....

Well, I could probably write more, but it's almost 9am and this house isn't going to clean itself. I hope everyone is doing fine....take care and know I think of all of you often. Much more often than you think......

~rw~