Realllllly struggling.....

...with this darn diet this week!!!


I don't know what my problem is, but I am reallllly having a hard time. I don't know if it's the anticipation of Savannah and traveling alone (which I don't really like doing. I like to fly, but I don't like being alone. I prefer being w/ Big Daddy.) I guess that is probably it. Whenever I go on vacay, I always sorta stress getting ready.....


I think part of it is guilt. I am really happy I get to go to Savannah...it was an AWESOME birthday gift from Big Daddy....but I feel guilty because he doesn't get to go. I mean, yes, I deserve a trip, but so does he. And I feel bad he isn't going. I wish he could go with me....although, he'd be so super bored while I was busy cropping!!!


Anyway, Big Daddy is getting thrown into full-time parenting, sorta a baptism by fire!!! This will be the first time he's been on his own for a long period of time. Remember I'll be gone for 6 days and 5 nights!!!!!!!! Wow! I hope he's ready for this challenge!!!!


Well, I'm off to start packing......

So, what's worse?

Feeling like your crazy or actually being crazy?


Now, forgive me, I don't mean to make fun of being crazy, but since I am being treated for mental stuff, I think I have a right to joke, in order to deal with things.

I know being crazy isn't funny...it's actually can be very sad. Trust me, I deal with these issues and try to figure out where I fall into this very wide category. (my therapist assures me I am not as crazy as I sometime feel....I'm just my own worst critic and my inner judge is really harsh....see, I am a meanie...to myself!)


Anyways, so my quest today is to get an appointment with a Psychiatrist. (this is a doctor, who manages meds and can evaluate mental capabilities and issues) So, basically, this doctor will make sure that some anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression are my only issues....and I need to know.


To be honest, this scares the crap out of me. What if he determines I am nuts. What if he gives me some diagnosis that I don't want to carry. (sorry, but some diagnoses carry some pretty bad stigmas.) And, believe me, I have enough on my plate now! But, I will, as always, deal with whatever info I am given.


As I have said before, I just want off the roller coaster!
(and sometimes medical management is necessary for this to happen...I guess we'll see what happens...)



But, today I was reminded I live in a small town. (Yes, my town is bigger than Richmond Hill but smaller than Savannah.) So, anyway, there are 11 Psychiatrists listed on my insurance, but that list was quickly whittled down to 3. The first has closed her office. The second only practices every Saturday and two Thursdays a month....read, I can't get an appt. w/ him until August 18th. The third is a Christian therapist, which I am not opposed to, but I'm a little scared that I might accidentaly drop the "F-bomb" or some version of it in front of her, as I have a tendency to do when I talk about that fu@*er that raped me.
(I just call it like I see it!)

But, I can handle it fine. I'm trying to quit cussing anyway and I am really good at censoring myself around children and my brother and parents.

So, if I break out in a #*$PICKLES*#% will this one be able to handle my CRAZY?


After all, I am just trying to protect her from me. Is it crazy that I feel the need to do that?


So, whose the crazy one now?

PEACE and QUIET

That's what we have at our house.....
PEACE and QUIET!

The big boys went to church camp with their cousins and uncle Randy in Arkansas. Griff went home with Gramma and Grampa. The only child we have here is Marinne, who seems to be having some anxiety about being here alone. She is GLUED to me....freaking out if I walk out of the room and especially losing it when I went to my appointment earlier, while daddy came home to watch her. She is shunning daddy in favor of me. As much as I love that she wants/needs me....it is stressing me just a little and I hate it that she's hurting daddies feelings. Luckily, he takes it all in stride. She is such a 2yr old!

We go to Tulsa this weekend to pick them up....
...so until then....
PEACE and QUIET!!!!