Thursday, May 31, 2007

Woo Hoo!!!! Sherry will be here in ONE WEEK FROM TODAY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Busy.... in-laws are in town. They are on their way thru to Oklahoma. Yep, they are moving back from Georgia to Oklahoma. The renters have to be out of their house Friday and they start cleaning up and wait for the 1st of their 3 moving trucks.

As usual, these visits have drama. Actually, the drama was before they got here. Somehow when I told her of our busy schedule thru June, it turned into "we don't have time for you" in her mind. Geez. I hate that I can't say anything w/out it being turned around against me. So, anyway, she had an attitude, then Ike nailed her about it and now it's over. She was just fine yesterday when they arrived.

Speak of the devil....they just called and they are on the way over from the hotel. (Yep, they refuse to stay in our home. Weird, I know.) Anyway, I'm sitting here blogging and I gotta go get dressed!!

We are supposed to be doing something today....not sure what, though. I hope the day goes ok.......

Tuesday, May 29, 2007

* self~portrait * Tuesday

The eyes are the window to the soul.

Sick Baby Girl

Fever 102.1
poor little sweetie...

Monday, May 28, 2007

Let's see...what's been up?

  • I'm still sick, although not nearly as bad as earlier this week. It's all allergies, but now it's all in my chest. Just call me WHEEZY!
  • Schools out for Summer! And the kids are overjoyed!!! Swim lessons start next week!
  • Report cards were awesome! (after I kicked Logan's booty in gear on that Math grade- which was completely due to being LAZY!) Logan got all A's and one B. Jensen's grades were all great!
  • Ike and I celebrated our 15th Wedding Anniversary on the 23rd. It went by with 2 sick parents w/ no babysitter for the 4 kids. We didn't feel well enough to go we ate hot dogs and potato chips for dinner! Fancy! Ha ha!
  • The weather is stinky....raining and pool or outdoor play for us! So much for the holiday!
  • The News Director actually got a day off! Woo Hoo! I can't even remember the last time he had Memorial Day off! Seriously! He's home today and so happy to not be at work!
  • It looks like someone mowed our grass for us out back. Don't know who and don't know why! But appreciate the gesture all the same......
  • Sherry will be here in 10 days!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING?????? I live on the prairie or what?!?!

So, this is the baby Blue Jay bird that we rescued outside our window TWO times today!! You see, when you have a basement, you have these windows that have window wells that lead down to them. (I suppose the windows are so you could escape in case of fire or something....) Anyway, in our front flower bed we have this window well, directly below one of our big trees which has proven very popular for nesting birds. So, this baby must be trying out those new pretty blue wing feathers, but she's not so good yet. And twice, she's fallen/landed down in the well. Then, she just cries her head off (read: slightly annoying bird shrieking) and her mom/dad are at the top of the window well freaking out. So, Big Daddy has opened the window and rescued her. Then, we return her to the tree. But, of course, I couldn't resist snapping a few pictures. (Oh, and L isn't pictured because he was holding back our cat, Christmas, from thinking Big Daddy had gotten him an afternoon snack! Sheez! You shoulda seen that cat switching his tail around after watching these birds up close and personal!)

Jensen is our animal lover. He has a real heart for all things animal. He was very concerned about this baby. He's spent much time watching her after we returned her to the bottom of the tree. He's worried for her safety. He definitely has a soft heart for animals.
Both Griffin and Marinne were just giddy with excitement to see the baby bird up close!

Friday, May 25, 2007

I'm not dead.....

I'm just sick. Hope to be back soon.

Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Self-Portrait Tuesday

Just me...

So, I went to see the therapist today. And it was great. She's very motherly. She's gentle and kind. I can't wait to continue down this road of discovery and continue to release some of these feelings that I've been experiencing. For today, I'm happy.


Self-portrait Tuesday is something I've been seeing on blogs for quite some time. I've been wanting to do it, but I was a little afraid to try it. Well, Jamie pointed out that there are never any pics of me, so I decided to give it a whirl, so my kids will have some photos of me. So, I tried it and guess what?! It's super fun!!!! Hope you enjoy it as much as I did. My challange to you is: if you have a blog...join into Self-Portrait Tuesday.
Let others really SEE you!

Sunday, May 20, 2007

Scrapbooking Show-N-Tell

Well, for being completely unorganized due to flooding and getting a migraine in the middle of the afternoon, I still did pretty well. I still managed to knock out 5 layouts! (And I even left for lunch at Applebees and got some tacos for dinner.)

<------------- So, this one is my favorite!!! (click on it to see it larger.) Don't you love the silver circles?!

How cute is this one? (Just don't tell him the fish paper came from the baby section!!)

I love these layouts, too. I always try to keep the Portrait layouts pretty simple!

I love this one, too!!!! I just love the artwork and the pic really shows his personality!!
(journaling says.....My ARE a silly guy! And I love you for it!!! You mom thinks you are FANTASTIC!!!!

Green Snowmen??

They must be kin to green aliens......

This is what a ball of playdough and some imagination makes.

Griffin comes in PEACE!!

Guess who lost a tooth?!?!

Believe me....he pulled it out. I can't handle it!

And the tooth fairy (yep, he still actually believes) brought a gold dollar and you shoulda seen his face when he saw what he got!! Priceless!!!!! Unfortunately, I was still in bed when he came in with "that face" so I missed it w/ the camera!!!!

Friday, May 18, 2007


Hey everybody!!!! I just wanted to say have a HAPPY WEEKEND!!!! I am cropping tomorrow and I gotta go pack my bags and get to bed. 9am-9pm baby!!! Let's just hope that woman isn't mean to me. Otherwise, I open my can of miserable on her. And I am PMSin' big time. So, I just dare her to bring up schools....we can debate the issue now since I don't work with her!

I'm just gonna try to knock out a few pages. Right now...I have NO pages planned, so we'll have to see what I can get done tomorrow. I haven't scrapped in a few weeks, so I am looking forward to it. And my two little ones were awful I need a break!



Thursday, May 17, 2007

Missing the South....

Big Daddy and I spent our honeymoon in Charleston back in 1992. During that trip we had our very first Low Country Boil. It was delicious.

So, we decided to perfect the Boil at home, since SC was far away from Oklahoma.

So, over the last 15 years, we've pretty well perfected our
version on the Low Country Boil. Well, this is the first time we've made it since actually moving away from the South. And do you know, I actually couldn't find the spices I needed here in Kansas! They don't carry them!

Griffin actually loves seafood!

Marinne prefers corn-on-the-cob!!!

The big kids sat down by the pool.

A great meal was had by all!!!!!!!

My rockin' Mother's Day gifts!!!

So, check out what I got for Mother's Day!! Yep, it's all new patio furniture. It's kinda hard to tell, but this table has a ceramic tile top. It's so pretty! It even has a matching lighted umbrella that is solar powered. How cool is that?! Come visit me and we'll throw something on the bbq and we'll break in the table!!!All these chairs need is you and me!!!
Seriously, this place is starting to look like a resort!!!!

(Oh, and too bad you can't see the pool....the water is crystal clear!!)

My darling friend AMBER

Amber totally rocks, but we all knew I am totally her blog stalker. A big fan of her work. And proud to call myself her friend.

So, I go to her blog the other day and this is what I found.....

Monday, May 14, 2007

This is for you Roxy
I have such a wonderful friend Roxann... aka Foxy Roxy. ( her blog is at right) I got to know her by working with her in the scrapbook store here. She was a teacher with me and one heck of a hilarious person. She was the most fun to be around and always made everyone feel so welcomed. (i'm making her sound like she's dead... she's not.... :)
She's been going through some tough times lately- see.... her husband had to go off and get transfered for his job, thus pulling one of my closest friends away from me. ( I'll never forgive you Ike.... :)
So this is for you babe..... Love ya tons!!!!! Oh.. and Rox.... notice what the stamp around the circle pic says...... hehehehehe ( and yes, this is another digi LO.. seems that's all I'm able to accomplish lately.)

I cannot even begin to tell you how surprised I was to find this. And even more, how touched I was by it. Seriously.

When I moved my friends made me the most wonderful scrapbook and they all made pages for me to put in it. It is one of my most prized possessions. I look at it often. Until they gave me that book, no one had ever made me a scrapbook. I'm the one who made them for others, not the other way around. In that scrapbook, Amber even wrote and "ODE" to me. (another reason I love her!)

Well, I gotta tell you Amber, thank you for caring. Thank you for brightening my day. Thank you for being a great friend. Just thank you.

Love, Roxann


So, since I am still blogging w/out photos, here are my thoughts for today:

~ Sherry comes in 21 DAYS!!!! I even have a counter on my Google homepage!

~ Logan is almost making a D in MATH and I'm going to ground him for so long he won't even remember what the outdoors looks like. This is lack of effort, not lack of knowledge. The little fart!

~ Marinne is getting up earlier and earlier every day and it's killing me!!!

~ I want to hire a housekeeper and I think I'm going to do it!!!! (if I can afford it!)

~ I have to go to Walmart and I am avoiding it big-time!! (blogging, not shopping!)

~ I spent about 1 1/2 hours organizing photos this morning getting ready to crop this weekend. I'm gonna go and make my *awesome* layouts and make them wish they had me. And hopefully, I'll make a friend or two.

~ Kris, I am dying to hear the proposal me or email me. I know you are super busy, but I reallllly want to hear about it. I've been thinking about you all week. And I want to see the "real" pic of the ring. Oh, and when's the wedding???

~ I have an appt. with the therapist on Tuesday. Yay! Can't wait to start layin' some of this on her!

~ Can you believe the postage went up?! Whatever!!! They suck.

~ And the gas prices are REALLLLLY irking me. They suck even more!!!

So, what's on YOUR mind today.........

Monday, May 14, 2007

technology is great and all........

...but it's seriously cramping my style!!!! So, Ike decided that I need a new laptop. You see, he's a MAC lover. I, for one, don't care. As long as I can do my pictures. He though, is a computer techie geek. He has to have the biggest and the bestest technology available. So, by default, I have to have the biggest and bestest thing available. Again, I don't care. As long as it works and it isn't SLOW....I'm happy!

So, I haven't updated my blog....because I don't know how to do the MAC systems. All my pictures are in a new program. When I went to blogger...things weren't working well. I can't figure out how to copy and paste. I am generally unhappy because I don't know how to work that darn MAC. Now, I am sure you guys think I'm being a brat...after all, I have a kick-arse, super powerful, killer looking new computer. But, we are talking about me here. And I hate change. And technology scares me.

So....that's why you haven't heard from me. I couldn't hurt his feelings by powering up the old I had to wait until now to crank it up and update my blog. Maybe in a day or two....I'll be blogging on the Mac, but for now "my oldie is a goodie!"

So....since he made me upload the weekends pics onto the MAC, I can't post them. Maybe tomorrow and we'll be playing catch-up all week. Darn.

But because of the flood, I never posted these photo's from the Associated Press Awards in Kansas City from last weekend. So here we are....

So.....what's been up with you????

Friday, May 11, 2007

The mess that is me....

Ok, I promised I'd be talking more about "serious stuff."

Like I said, I'm not sure why all that tumbled out when it did....but, I don't regret saying it. To me, it's just fact. I struggle so much with all the fall-out of what happened to me. In the beginning, I was the only casualty. But, as the days went by, and I told those close to me.....the list of casualties grew. To my brother. To my parents. To Ike. To some of my friends. Just hearing what I had gone through, was almost too much for some of them to bear. Some just could not deal with it. Some sought therapy of their own.

And here we are. Dealing with the fall-out still. That's what pisses me off. I feel like I should be done with it. Over it. Moved on. But, it never seems to ever go away. Even when I do forget about it and move on....something small can happen....and it's back in an instant.

Some of it is big stuff, some of it is small stuff. But, it's all devastating.

Did you know that the reason my memory is so bad (according to my previous therapist) is that I have blocked so much stuff out...that my brain has to work overtime on that, which leaves it fatigued when it comes to other stuff. Basically, I have blocked things that I can't deal with and it took "good" stuff with it, too. For instance, I have no memory of OUR first date and first kiss. Ike can tell me the story of that night and I can go........hmmm, that seems familiar, but I have no actual memory of it. And now, I can "remember" it because he had told me the story so many times, that I remember what "he told me" but not the actual event. Does that make any sense at all?

Did you know that even though we are celebrating our 15th anniversary in a few weeks, the fall-out almost ruined our marriage in the early years? It was so hard. Here's an example of what our marriage has had to endure. One time, we had a fight over something that was probably stupid (I don't remember what the fight was about.) and I was pretty upset. I tried to walk see, after my rape, that's what I the face of adversity, I ran away. So, Ike reached out to my hand to get me to stop, to calm me down. But, it backfired in his face. What happened was that I had a "flashback." I didn't want to be held against my will and I freaked out. This had nothing to do with Ike. It was "fall-out." I happened to be standing in a doorway of our home and I ripped my hand/arm away from him. Hard. Screaming and out-of-control. When I did, I hit the corner where the 2 walls meet. Realllly hard. And then I ran. Right out the front door. In a panic. I ran to my car and when I tried to open the car door....I fell on the ground in pain. Ike carried me back into the house and we determined pretty quickly that I had to go to the emergency room. I had broken every blood vessel across the top of my hand. We made up a story because I didn't want the ER people to ask me questions. I avoided questions at all costs.

Behavior like this continued thru the first whole year of our marriage. Either things were really good and it was a good day. But, most days were filled with chaos. And the nights filled with nightmares. So, we partied. Often. When I was drinking, I didn't have to worry about it. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything like that, but we did drink several times a week with our friends. (In our defense, we were still in college...and that's just what we did. That's what we did before I was raped. But now, my motivation was different. I didn't drink socially, really....I drank to forget.)

I just tried to pretend that it never happened. To ignore it. (ask me how well that worked!!)

We also had problems in our physical relationship because of me. Sorry, tmi....but, it's part of the story. I had flashbacks much of the time we were together. Sometimes, they were minor. Most of the time....they were horrible. Can you imagine being a newlywed and the whole sex thing not working out too well? Well, it was bad. For Ike. For me. And I struggled with massive guilt because of it. We'd seem to make 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. I struggled with issues of being "whorish" because of how the rapist had treated me....and I had trouble with the line between normal physical relations between husband and wife and what that bastard had done to me. Because some of it was the same physical acts. I just did not have a "healthy" view of sex. Period. It was a very difficult thing for both Ike and me. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I still struggle with it today. Not to the same extent as back then, but still in some ways. I hate that.

So, the more I tried to push down what happened, the more it threatened to explode out. And when it did, it was devastating.

Finally, during that first year, I sought out therapy thru the campus health system. It seemed like a good idea. Until I walked in there and the woman said, "For me to help you, you are going to have to tell me exactly what happened to you." Well, I freaked. I wasn't ready to go there. I spent all my time trying to repress those memories, not rehash them. So, I walked out and never went back.

In early 2003, Ike was offered a job for the 3rd time at a tv station in Tulsa. So, he figured he better take it. After we moved to Tulsa, the problems got worse. I eventually sought help at Call Rape, a non-profit agency in Tulsa. I went thru like 2 years of individual therapy, therapy with Ike and group therapy. It was very helpful.

I did a lot of public speaking about my experience and about Call Rape. I did articles in many publications. Ike and I spoke together many times. It was hard and scary, but it was good for me. It helped me progress in my healing.

You know, the thing that shows me I'm still making progress probably seems so small to everyone else, but it's such a big deal to me. It's a window. My bedroom window. I haven't been able to sleep with the window open in over 15 years. I've been doing it all Spring long. Now granted, my window is a considerable distance off the ground, but someone could still get into it w/ the right equipment. But this is a huge thing for me. Huge.

Ok, I think this is enough for now. I've already ran down my laptop battery writing all this out and now I'm plugged into the wall. And now, I'm exhausted.....and it's only 9:45am.

Please feel free to comment or ask questions. I don't mind. Talking about it can be very therapeutic.

I think I mentioned going to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure was thru the roof. And he put me on some yummy meds to help me deal w/ all this anxiety. I hope it helps. But, he says he's concerned with how "fragile" I seem (hmmmmm....was crying 3 times in 20 minutes the dead giveaway?) But, he says he can see how I'd be so stressed w/ the move, the 2 houses to pay for, the kids, the flood, the no friends......... So, he's sending me to a therapist. And quite frankly, I can't wait to go.

I'm done with the rollercoaster.....and I want off. I prefer selling the tickets.

Thursday, May 10, 2007


Hear Ye! Hear Ye!

I will not be whining or complaining on my blog today!!!!! No sad posts about birdies, no more whining about floods and cleaning up floods or any of that crap!!! I seriously don't even want to think about it anymore.

My random thoughts for this morning....

#1- I appreciate all the recent responses to the serious stuff posted lately on my blog. I want to have time to really respond appropriately. And I will, very soon. In the meantime, I'm glad you didn't think it was too much. Even if someone did think it was too much, well I'm sorry, it doesn't change the fact that it happened and that it's a huge part of me. I promise I will be talking more about this very soon.

#2- I get to go to the doctor this morning. (which is why I can't take a long time to blog) You see, I only have one pill of my blood pressure medicine left. And I don't think after 6 months of seeing doc in GA is gonna give me any more.

#3- I miss everyone so much! I really do. When ya'll coming to Kansas?!?! Just jump on the flight with Sherry!

#4- Next weekend I get to go crop at the lss and make that worker who yelled at me, be nice to me for an entire day of cropping. (I wouldn't go, but I still hope there is a chance I could make a friend to hang out with!!!)

Wednesday, May 9, 2007

more loss....

From the moment I looked out the window this morning to check on Mommy Bird and the Eggies, I knew something was terribly wrong. Now, it's not unusual to find MB off the nest and looking for juicy worms in the morning, but it was the nest fluff that was displaced that alarmed me. As you can see, the soft grass lining of the nest was next to the nest and also down on the deck. As I looked around, searching for visual eye catches the beautiful "robin egg blue" egg upon the deck.


So, with my panic setting in, I burst out the back door and run to the nest. Hoping, just hoping that the eggshell belongs to only one of our eggies. But, I know it doesn't look good....

So, as I hold my breath, I peek into the nest. Nothing. Not one eggie. Poor Momma Bird.

I'm sure she's devastated. It happened to her like it could happen to us. Like all accidents happen. We turn our head for one minute, let our guard down. And BAM! Something horrible happens.

I know it's the Circle of Life and all that, but I am shocked by how truly sad I am. I am mad that some "badder than the MB" animal decided that he'd have an omelet for breakfast.
And I'm truly surprised that I even care based on my past feeling regarding birds.
But it turns out, with a different experience, I began to enjoy her. I began to "expect" her babies as much as she did. I enjoyed watching her every move. Marveling on how perfectly circular her nest was. And admiring her dedication to keeping them dry by spreading her wings over the Eggies in the rain. Watching her roll each Eggie several times a day to make sure they are all warmed evenly. I even enjoyed her "dive bombing," although I found it mostly laughable.
On most days, I'd find myself checking on her. Checking the nest to make sure the Eggies were ok. We even put worms that came in with the floodwater in L and J's bedroom right next to her next, so she could get a snack when she wanted it.
I'm so sorry, BM, for your loss. It was our loss, too. We were excitedly anticipating the hatchlings next week. Thanks for the great memories.

Why, yes Kerry....that was a pile of scrapbooks!!!

I've had a question about
<---------THIS flood photo.
(Good eyes, Kerry!!)
Yes, what you are looking at is a pile of 10 Creative Memories scrapbooks, along with 3 packs of page refills and 5 packs of page protectors. These are worth about $500, from my off the cuff estimation!!!
You see, this box is so heavy, that I could not put it up on a shelf, it was sitting on the floor in my "scrapbook storage" closet. When I realized the water had reached the area of the closet, I ran to check....knowing I had 2 large scrapbooking boxes unpacked and sitting on the floor in the closet. These scrapbooks were in one of the boxes.
As I opened the heart was pounding. I knew one of the boxes contained these scrapbooks. And when I looked down to see both boxes obviously soaking wet on bottom, my heart sank. (this just goes to show you how attached to this hobby I really am.) So, I drag the box out and frantically start pulling out albums. And by some miracle, as I reach towards the bottom of the box where the scrapbooks must be ruined....I find the last TWO scrapbooks in a plastic sack....which saved them from the water!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have any idea why just these TWO scrapbooks where in a plastic sack. I wish I could say I pre-thought to pack them this way "just in case we are in another flood." But, truly, I did not. I just got lucky!
On top of the pile is a bunch of photos and memorabilia from early in our marriage that fell out of another box and into a pile of water. I haven't gotten brave enough to see if the pictures are ruined. I'll have to look sometime, but I'm just not ready to do it yet. It makes all this harder. And if they are ruined...I'll be devastated, yet again.
The 2nd scrapbooking box was also sopping wet. But, if you can believe it....there were 2 other scrapbooks in the bottom of the box and they were in plastic, as well. They are dry as a bone.
I didn't lose any scrapbooking supplies. Thank goodness! Thanks to all who expressed concern!!!

Tuesday, May 8, 2007

help and progress...

So, my dad came up from Tulsa to help us clean up the mess and he's been a GIANT
help!!! He dug a 25 foot long trench in the backyard so we can lay a pipe for drainage away from the house. He mowed our entire yard. He figured out a way to drain the water away from the house. He was ready and willing and smiling the whole day. I was very blessed by him being here. He made a really bad situation so much better.

While he did all that...I was finishing the laundry (until I ran out of detergent) and I had to wash the laundry room floor with major-strength Pine-Sol. I totally was getting high off those fumes...blah! I got a major headache from that. But, it looks better and smells much better than it did!

The thing that has me most bugged is how disrupted our life is and how hard that is on all of us. And now I've figured out that it's going to be a few days before the carpet can be replaced downstairs, so it will take time to get it all done. But, in the meantime, I guess we'll be living like this for a while.

Thanks for all the well-wishes. It really does help!

Cleanup and Chaos...

This is one of those times when

Monday, May 7, 2007

the latest as the flood waters recend....

Well, we are better off than many, but it's still not good.

I am exhausted. I have done about 20 loads of laundry today. Seriously.

I have ripped up carpet. I have moved furniture. I have wet/dry vacuumed GALLONS and GALLONS of water. I have squeeged water up. I have wiped up water with towels. My 2 oldest boys are living in the family room. The family room and my scrap room are filled with all the things from the other half of the house that's flooded.

Logan has been a HUGE help. He's been by my side all day. Even comforting me when I cried. Days like today make me very proud of him.

We learned that our homeowners insurance WON'T pay for any of the damage. So, we are on our own to fix it. So, that sucks. But, it wasn't too unexpected. Who knew we'd need flood insurance.

Thanks for all your kind wishes and notes. I appreciate them all. I'm very blessed to call all of you my friends.



So, remember in my last update I said it was still pouring.....well, all night long THE NEWS DIRECTOR aka Big Daddy was getting phone calls from the station about all the severe weather and flooding. So, we are getting broken sleep. At 4:45am, he decides he needs to go ahead and go into work.

He takes a shower and goes downstairs to iron a shirt. And about 10 minutes later he comes upstairs to tell me that Logan and Jensen's room is completely flooded...side to side and front to back and now the laundry room (which is big) is flooded, as well!!! Well....literally, I am half-asleep and I said, "What did you just say?!"



Seriously, I am freaking out. (Not to mention I've been bawling for an hour, while I clean up all the piles of clothes that are standing in water.)

So, because I'm all wound up, I'm blogging at 5:58am, instead of going back to sleep. Good grief. :-o

Sunday, May 6, 2007


So, does anyone remember a little story about a flood in a little house that looked like this in GA? Well, we had one, when we lived in the house for less than 6 months. It was caused by a broken hot water pipe and flooded the laundry room, the main bathroom, kitchen and dining room. It sucked. But...that's how we got to redo our whole kitchen, so it turned out great!
So, believe it or not....we've beaten our old record....we are weathering our first flood in this house 2 weeks into our FOURTH month of living here!!!!!
So, here's the site of our most recent flooding....
Can you believe this crap?!? (And yes, we had both houses inspected! We are not idiots, we just apparently have REALLLLLLY BAD LUCK when it comes to floods!)
So, this is what happened. This morning, it's 10am and we are lounging finally relaxing into the day and Ike settling into his birthday, when L and J came running and screaming up the stairs,
"OUR ROOM IS FLOODED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
WHAT IN THE *&#^%# ?!?!?!?!?!?!
So, we all trip over ourselves to run down the stairs and SURE ENOUGH, Logan and Jensen's room is FLOODED! So, we start grabbing towels and soaking up the water out of the carpet. It was only 15 minutes before every single towel we own is soaked w/ water. So, I start laundry, so we can start the towel soaking again.
The entire length of their room was flooded (about 14 feet long) and in some places the water had already soaked the carpet almost 3 feet into the room.
So, we run outside (where it's still raining cats and dogs...mind you) and the water is pooled outside the house in the flower bed. (ok, ok....yes, it's a weed bed w/ rocks) Anyway, I cannot believe it. I grab the one of the kids' Easter candy bucket and start bailing water. Ike starts digging a ditch to draw the water away from the house. Unfortunately, it isn't helping. It keeps raining harder. We finally decide the only thing we can think of that sand bags. So, Ike goes to Home Depot.
Now...keep in mind....this whole time Ike is getting calls about the severe weather because of his job. Next thing we know....he has to go to work. But, he comes home and throws some sandbags against the house....then runs to work.
So, I come back in and start wet/dry vacuuming the carpet. Oh. my. gosh. Is this a tedious job! I have to be on my hands and knees and suck water out of the carpet with a hose. Over and over and over and over and over and over. It's a killer on the back and the legs! Logan and I took turns doing it. Over and over and over......
So, by now it's a little after noon and all the kids start complaining they are hungry. So, we decide to take a break to eat lunch.
About the time we make sandwiches...Ike shows up at home from work. And he also has a commercial fan to help dry the floor. We pulled up the carpet because the pad is soaking wet and we've have had it running all day and it's still wet down there.
We've called our insurance company and they are supposed to call us back. We have no idea if they will cover this. They may deny it....ya know an "act of God." I'll guess we'll see. I just cannot believe we are doing this AGAIN.
Now, I am in no way comparing ourselves to the victims of the Tornadoes here in Kansas over the weekend. Our hearts go out to them. At least we have a house!!
So, if you know Ike....give him a call tomorrow or drop him an email. He really had a super #$*#(@$ B-day!!!! He could really use a smile!!!
AND is still POURING outside. SEND ME A BOAT!!!!

Happy Birthday BIG DADDY!!!!


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Was it too much?

Due to the lack of responses, I'm afraid I scared everyone away . I wasn't trying to. I just felt like sharing what has happened to me, so I did.

It's the story of me. It's the story of my struggles. Quite frankly, it's a shitty story, but it happened and it's real and I've struggled long and hard to realize that it wasn't my fault and that I shouldn't feel ashamed or embarrassed about it.

Then, there is the religious aspect of my story. I know religion can be a touchy subject. I just struggle so much with this issue, between my feelings about all that's happened to me vs. the beliefs of my childhood/young adult faith. And the constant conflict within myself about this issue and my family pressures in relationship to it.

I shared all this, hoping you'd share your advice with me. Don't be afraid to tell me what you really think. Please give me your words of wisdom. I really want to hear what you have to say. After all, it's all about the truth of the matter.

I'm sorry if you felt it was too much. It's just the truth. And sometimes the truth, well sometimes the truth just sucks.

Friday, May 4, 2007

The past.....

So, this is me and my baby brother, circa late 1971 or so. Aren't we sweet?! Marinne took one look at it and said, "Me and baby." Even she recognizes that she looks like me.
I found this picture when I was looking for the Barbie shoes.
Now, when you guys realize that none of my family comments on this picture, here's why. None of my family knows about this blog. Not even my beloved little brother, who I love so very much. Why you might ask?! Well, because I don't want the blog and my feelings to be subjected to the constant scrutiny by my family. I want to be able to say what I want to say, without feeling like I am being judged or without feeling like I have to censor myself to keep everyone else happy. I know they mean well, but I don't know if I will ever feel completely accepted again, or completely loved by my family. There is always this feeling like I have dissapointed them. And that's hard for me to swallow.
Now, don't get me wrong. I love my family. But, I don't feel like there are ever too many times that they just accept me for me. I often feel like I am the black sheep of my family (which in and of itself is ridiculous.) But, that's the way that I feel. I know they love me, but that's just about where it stops. Most of the time, they are trying to figure out how to "fix" me. How to bring me back to the "good" side. The church-going side.
You can't really blame my brother, though. You see, it's his job. He's a minister.
He loves me, I never doubted that. But he still wants to "save" me. And I'm glad.
I'm glad he still sees me as "save-able." I have much guilt because I know he feels the need to save me. If can't save his own sister, well....I know that's hard on him.
He does love me. I know that.
I grew up in church. We didn't go to church until I was 3 or 4. But, once we did, we were there every time the church door was open. Sunday am, Sunday pm, Wednesday night, etc.
I was baptized on Oct. 19, 1978 with my brother at my side.
I believed in God. I loved church. I was a good girl.
I was very active in church all the way thru high school and into college.
I'm not going to say I didn't stray some in college, because I did.
I had always been so sheltered, so overprotected, that I went a little wild during some of this time. But my wild, was always pretty mild, compared to much of what I had seen. But, I never stopped believing in God. And I never lost my Faith. I just took a break.
But I didn't deserve what I got.
You see, 15 3/4 years ago, when I had just turned 22, I was raped. By someone I knew. Someone who pre-meditated his attack on me, held me hostage for two days, repeatedly raped me and tortured me, both physically and emotionally. Someone who had planned what he was going to do to me....and being the coward that he is, brought his gun along to make sure I did what he wanted, that I followed his plan for the heinous crime he committed upon me. Those two days changed me. They changed who I was, who I was to become.
Those days, I lost a lot. I lost my innocence. (I was a virgin.)
I lost my naivete.
I lost me.
And it seems no matter what I do, I can't find her.
That girl, no longer exists.
Sure, I still believe in God. But I really struggle. Really struggle with how a loving God can allow such a horrid thing to happen to such a good, Christian girl. The whole "why does God let bad things happen to good people." I still don't understand that. I really don't.
And to be raped by a boy I met when I was 14 at a large, well-respected, state-wide Christian summer youth retreat, seems like the ultimate betrayal of what you believe.
(that's the one that kills me.) So, please, warn your daughter's now.....
just because he's a "Christian" or a "nice boy" doesn't mean he would never hurt you.
I never knew I should be aware that he could hurt me. That his intentions were anything but honest and pure. That he was baiting me...and I bought it hook, line and sinker.
But again, I was very naive.
I don't really know why I am telling all of you this. Perhaps it's because it's all been
fresh in my mind. I had shared this with my new friend, Kelly, this past week. She
works as director of a child-advocacy center here in Topeka, for children who are
sexually abused. She was telling me about her job and it was easy for me to understand
much of what she was saying from my experience, although different than what she
normally deals with. It is interesting how some of the fallout is quite similar to what
I have experienced. And believe me, the fallout is devestating. Life shattering. Horrible.
I've often said that Ike saved me. And he did. He saved me from myself. From the self-destructive path I was going down. I went from a virgin to a girl who was become promiscuous, looking for something to fill the void of what had been forceably taken from me. Someone looking for control. Trying to regain control of whatever I could.
That's when I started to become overweight. It was my way of trying to take control.
My way of trying to fill that void. To protect myself.
If I was fat, no guy would want me. No guy guy would want to rape me.
(ok, I was still pretty naive.)
But, it was a control thing. As long as I felt like I was in control, even if I really wasn't.
And to this day, I'm still a control freak.
Just ask my family.
If I feel out-of-control, I freak out.
Major panic sets in.
And it was after all of this, that I began my long struggle with depression.
I met Ike 3 weeks after my rape. I was mean to him. Really mean.
I did not trust guys and I did not trust him.
But he was nothing but sweet, kind and even loving to me
I thought I might be pregnant. He was unfazed.
He offered to support me in any way I would choose.
He was amazing. I was very lucky.
(and I wasn't pregnant, thank God!)
And 9 months later, we were married. And now, it's been 15 years. (in 3 weeks)
But, my religion struggles don't just stop there. It only compounded when my Mother died of breast cancer. I still cannot understand why. Why would God allow the suffering of such a wonderful woman. Why? A question that I haven't been able to answer. And yes, I'm still angry with God about that one. Why do some people receive healing and others don't? It's been almost 10 years since I lost her and although it's not as pronounced, I'm still angry.
And I still don't understand. I miss her so much!
The whole thing just makes me so sad.
Therapy has helped. But, I really feel like I will never, ever again be normal.
Sorry for the heavy issues...they just came tumbling out. In fact, I'm considering deleting this entire post. But, wouldn't that defeat the purpose of the get it out?

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