Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Oh. My. Gosh....this is so funny!!!!!

So, I'm surfing around this morning and I find this letter. And it is hysterical!!! I seriously laughed out loud. I did not write it, I only find it incredibly funny!!! I hope you think so, too!!

And as far as my opinion on Always....I just hate that brand. And I just had no idea about the printed "messages" on them. I'm guessing in the throes of a bad period, I'd be pretty put off by their sentiment, as well.

So, read on......for a good laugh!!

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your Always Maxi Pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuardCore(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts.

But my favorite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic.? I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.

Have you ever had a period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from "Aunt Flo." Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women.

In fact, only last week, my friend Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps.? Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."
Are you f**king kidding me? Does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness is possible during a period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James?

FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Kmart armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong", or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bull shit. And that's a promise I will keep. Always.

Wendi Xxxxxx
Austin, TX


Anonymous said...

that was hilarious! as a guy i can only sit back in fear and watch that "phenomenon" happen, but, a few months ago my Doc decided I needed Niacin pills. I learned first hand what HOT FLASHES were like! I'll never again, point, laugh, exasperate, or ANYTHING condesending where THAT is concerned!

Kara said...

hmmm....maybe that was my friend wendi speciale. she's from austin and a HOOT!

do you miss me yet?

the real ~Roxann~ said...

Hey anonymous! Who are you? And how did you find my blog?


the real ~Roxann~ said...

Kara....and KNOW I miss you!!!

Tam said...

FUNNY FUNNY...PLUS YOU KNOW I AM AN ALWAYS GIRL. Yeah anonymous we all want to know who you are...not big daddy playing a joke again..

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