Sunday, October 7, 2007

I know you must think I am bonkers......

but I believe obsessed is a better word for this.

So, I'm walking around W-mart, getting my new beloved tampons, because remember, I've been using the box I've had for many years, which WERE NOT for me, they were for my friends' emergencies!! So, I've been running low and they were
on my shopping list for today.

Well, I had decided on the Tampax Pearl, because, well they seem to be the Cadillac of tampons. I mean what better tampon for a ~princess diva~ like me than Pearls. (well, ok me, if they come out with Playtex Diamonds tampons, I'll be first in line to request my free sample and try them out!!!)

So, anyway, while I am at Wal-Mart I began thinking....
(to my self: long has this thing been in? What is the likelihood it needs to be replaced? Hmmm.....
what if I leak here in the middle of Walmart.....and as a newbie tampon user, I have still not thought to throw one in my purse.... So, I'm, that would really suck to have a leak right now.)

For me, leaking is a big issue, because I have in no way mastered how to know when to change my tampon. I mean, seriously. On my heavy days...I should probably use a Super, but it just makes me feel like a stuffed turkey with cramping. Now, that's fun, let me tell ya! Not. Yeah, just not working for me. So, I keep using these regular size ones and hoping for the best.

But, really, how do you know when to change it?

It's not like there is an alarm that goes off..."time to change your tampon..." OR the directions don't say, "insert tampon and leave in place until you leak or 5 hours, whichever happens first." So that gets me thinking...
I should invent a tampon that has some "pop-out" timer (yes, like that stuffed turkey) that pops out and pokes you in the leg when it's time to take care of business.
(now don't you go stealing my idea and putting a patent on it....and when I'm rich and famous, you can say....ya, I knew her when she just made cards and scrapbooks....)

But for now, the issue at hand is still curbing the possibility of leaking today.....

And then it occurs to me......
...someone had told me before that you should wear a pantyliner to prevent a problem, should you leak.

Well, that's all good and fine, but here's the
problem with that fine idea...

You see, when you are bigger, pantyliners are more like a moot point. Seriously. I can't wear them.

I put them in my underwear and within like 20 minutes the darn thing is smooshed up into a ball...right between my legs. (yea, it's not that comfy!)

Why, you ask?

Well, really, it's quite simple.
When you are "bigger" (read: overweight) like me, I guess the pressure from my ample thighs is like a playdough masher.
And as I said, it's only a matter of time before that pantyliner is history. Like I said, a moot point.

So, my friend goes to W-mart with me tonight and she buys some Thong pantyliners. And I'm thinking....thong-shape pantyliners?!?! Are they supposed to be sexy? Do people wear thongs when they are menstruating? I mean, I do not feel sexy right now....give me my granny panties and I'll be just fine! And geez...if I used those....I'd have to patch two of them together to make it big enough to be an emergency backup for anything.

So, I didn't leak.

But, I still don't have the answers.

Do you?


Mandy said...

You have a way with words girl! That made me roar with laughter! I love it and wish we were closer. I need a good dose of Roxann right about now! As a side note, I think we are blogging at the same time. I am blogging as I'm typing this to you. Great minds think alike! Is that the right word? Blogging? Who knows. And as another side note, I haven't forgotten your interview questions, I will get to them eventually!

Kerry said...

You are the best! I love the pop up timer idea!
All I can tell you is to change them frequently at first until you get an idea of how long you can go. Good luck, lol!

Beth said...

Ditto what Kerry said.

Life of an Army wife said...

i change about every hour to hour and a half, But thats me I had a major ordeal last year over those plugs!! FYI- DONT WEAR AT NIGHT!!!

also, if you are leaking in the reg. size you may need a bigger size, girl im a super!!!

cat said...

Heavy days wearing a regular, if you were me, they would last 30 minutes. I wear the super and change every hour or two. Once it gets lighter, I change maybe twice a day. I know I know, TSS. And I sleep in them too. I know I know. But knock on wood, nothing has happened so far.
By the way, I like the Playtex plastic applicator ones, they 'fit' better than other ones and I leak less in them, whereas the tampax, I might as well not be wearing one I leak so bad.
Happy hunting!!

Amber said...

you seriously crack me up girl! but then again, that doesn't surprise me!
well- i use playtex gentle glide tampons- and believe me, i've tried ALL of them out there and they were the ONLY ones that didn't leak on me.
that timer is a way good idea... if you come up with a patent.. let me know- i'll be the first in line to get it! :)-

wisearmywife said...

WOW! Your posts are SO uber FUNNY! I'm new to this blogging thing...(you can thank your step sister for getting me into this!). You tell it like it is! Keep it up! I LOVE reading them!

Tam said...

Shocked and wearing Tampons...It is like the saying...when pigs fly...Rox wearing a tampon. You have gone to the dark side or have seen the light...either way.I am not there yet and I am almost 40.

FlipFlop Mom said...

HA HA HA HA HA HA... I think there are NO words for this post... HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

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