Monday, July 9, 2007

Enemas, Alli-Oops and Poops...


This post is dedicated to my good friend Beth from SC!! A friend, no, a Sister, who I can share anything with and who is always there when I need a helping hand....I love ya!

Well, Beth was pretty disgusted by her husband's boss...who is apparently a unbelievably mean woman with no soul. Beth's teenage son has been on a student exchange in China for a month. Well, they had a problem and the flight was delayed, causing them to arrive on Monday, rather than Sunday. This was an unplanned, LAST MINUTE change. But the GM of this station would not let Beth's hubby off to go get their child and share in his "once-in-a-lifetime" return home. What an unfeeling jerk she is!

I felt so sorry for Beth....she was just so frustrated. I also feel sorry for her hubby. But, most of all, I feel sorry for Seth. But, he knows what dad's job entails.....and unfortunately, this is the life in tv. It's not the first or the last time this will happen.
But, this time it screwed him. And this is why people try to get out of tv....because of how it rules our home lives. But, I digress. Anyway, so my job became to make Beth laugh....
and I am usually successful!!!!

So, Beth and I were having a conversation this weekend about stuff and the weight loss I have experienced. I told her I felt "robbed" by not getting my well-deserved Weight Watchers sticker to put on my "bookmark." I mean, come on.... 4.6 lbs...could they not just round up and call it a victory!?! Now, I know it's just a sticker but.....this IS A BIG DEAL TO ME!!!!

I said...if I had just taken a poopy before I went to get weighed....I know I would have lost that .4 lbs. I needed to reach the sticker-worthy 5lbs.!!! This really made her laugh!

So, Beth suggested I try an enema before I leave next week. But, NO, me and enemas. We ARE NOT friends. I've only had one enema in my life and it was after I had my first child. They wouldn't let me go home until I had a BM. So, Nurse Ratchet came in w/ that bottle....and I freaked out! So, my loving husband gave me the enema! Isn't he the greatest?!!!

This floored Beth! She was like, "OMG....he did not!" Oh, but yes he did!!! I was so scared and I trusted him, not that enema wielding nurse!!! Like I told's not like he didn't KNOW THE AREA!!!! For goodness sake, he just witnessed me turn my body inside out giving birth to his Son the day before!!!

Well, hearing my aversion to the enemas....Beth suggested I take Alli.

She told me she had tried this new product called "Alli."
Now, I've seen this prominently displayed on a center end-cap at Wal-Mart, but I don't know anything about it. I know it's for weight loss...but that's all I knew. (And, I do like their packaging concept....I like the white w/ the colorful letters. But, as Ike says, I am affected by advertising. Is that bad??

Anyway, she and I are sitting here discussing this and she was telling me about taking the Alli. But, she only took it for a few days because of the tornado she had going on in her bowels. Poor baby! Apparently, you can't even eat anything remotely fatty or you "pay the price." She said she practically couldn't leave her house because of the quick need of a bathroom!

Apparently, you will witness the appearance of an oily substance floating in the toilet after your BM. OK....GROSS!!! And another wonderful side effect is the anal leakage. (I think I threw up in my mouth a little!!) Bottom line, it sounds like with Alli....the bm issues will be a Party in your Pants and you're sure to be the Party Pooper!!!! Hee hee hee!!!

(yes...I think potty humor is whole family does....)

Well, Ike was sitting here while I was talking to Beth (who he knows and loves) and when she said she couldn't leave the house...I the poopies are out of control? Like you could have an accident? To which Ike piped up and said...
"I think that's known as an Alli-OOPS!!"

Ha Ha Ha!!!! We cracked up on that one! Good one, Ike!!!

And Beth, well, Beth had the Mexican food calling her she knew she better stop the Alli if she planned to consume that and avoid her own "Alli-Oops!!" So, she quit it.

(Hey Beth...I know what you can do w/ your leftover pills! Do you feel like making some "Alli" brownies to put in the GM's office?! I don't know if she needs to lose weight...but I bet it takes some weight of your shoulders!!! Hee hee hee!!!!

But, from there....the topic progressed to poop in regard to health. I mean...Oprah talked about it on air...why can't the Real Roxann?! Of course I can, and of course, I will!!!

So, on Oprah. They were talking about your health and bm's that sink or float. Apparently...if you eat a lot of fat....your poopy will float. Well...I can attest to the fact that lately my poops are sinkin'!!! Beth found this funny. And she can't believe that there was an Oprah show about this. Oh, but there was. It was Dr. Oz answers your most embarrassing health questions!! Go to her site and look it up. It's there. I promise!

Ok, ok...that's enough! But, I had to share. I hope you
weren't offended....but I warned you!!!


mandy said...

wow! What a poopy conversation. he he he!

RickertsZoo; Summerfield, NC said...

Alli-oops-Ike has coined a new word for the dictionary awards! I didn't physically experience them...but anal leakage is ALWAYS at the forefront of your thoughts because you feel like you are gonna blow! Mind you, the baby oil floating at the top of the toilet was NOT after a bm....but it does come from the Alli-oops is a beautiful sight...all of the fat that you didn't think you ingested exiting your body without solid waste...
Hey, pass the ALLI.

Go Roxann! SINKERS! So here's a thought....what medical professional disected the floaters/sinkers anyway to discern the contents as to why the float/sink? Has David Letterman done his own poop on his does it float segment? "I've eaten a Big Mac with a side salad".. Will it float?

OK...I'm grossing myself out.
I'm off to prepare my classroom...yes I educate the young minds of America. And yes, we do talk about poop! In fact, during one lively discussion of vomit, I had a sixth grade girl go green on me!
I actually had one class come up with as many names for pee as they could while I snuck off to the potty to pee. They did fairly well.
What one can do with teachable moments!

Elizabeth said...

You are seriously the MOST entertaining blogger I read! I always check yours first! *still laughing*

FlipFlop Mom said...

OH --MY--WORD...LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL..... ok.. I can't stop laughing... that was SERIOUSLY.. GREAT!!!!! and I'm not big into potty humor.. but it doesn't offend me either.... Here.. we call it the "poopyblues"... LOL LOL!!!

Nikki said...

I love how you hid the text like that! What a neato trick! Thank you for the kaka course! I've been educated!

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