PAGING DR. McHOTTIE.......

So, I went to the Ob/Gyn today. And my new one is HOT! And I mean Yummy! He's really something to look at! And he's super nice to boot. He has great bedside manner and I felt comfortable with him right away. He reminds me of a young Dr. LaBarre (who was my most favorite OB I ever had in 20 years.)


But, unfortunately for me, my cervix (which is way up high, anyway) did not want to cooperate with any kind of internal exam. So, although he tried to be gentle, it was not fun! (not like it's supposed to be fun...but I mean it HURT!) And he kept apologizing over and over to me. He was really sweet. And I've been spotting like a big dog all day. (He said I would....)

So, blah.....


(For Stacy....he make Dr. B and Dr. R look like junkyard dogs! Although, I think Dr. R is possibly the most down-to-earth doc I've ever met. Dr. B....he's great, a talented doctor, but he just has too big of a head! KWIM?

Oh, and I told my new OB today about how when I saw how tall Dr. R was and his HUGE size 34 feet....and then, I looked at those hands and I got seriously scared about letting him anywhere near my girly parts!!! Ha ha ha!!!!)

I'd like to thank all the little people.....

(I'm totally kidding.....)


But not about THIS:



I got a BLOG AWARD!!!!!


Ahh huh! Oh, yeah! Ahh huh! Oh Yeah!
WOO HOO!
Yea, ME!!


That means someone, other than myself,
thinks I am funny!!! Or that I have something
worthwhile to say, that people want to read!



I was given this coveted award by a fantastic blogger that I have been enjoying for about 3 months. Somewhere along the line, she started reading my blog. Her name is Kerry, she has curly hair and she's a funny, funny girl! Check out her blog at Curly Girl.


I am re-giving an Honorary Award to her
because she totally Rocks!!!



Along with winning the award, I am to bestow this honor to 5 Rockin' Blog Girls that I love!


(crap...this is gonna be HARD to choose....I currently regularly stalk about 18 blogs........)



So, here goes my list.....



First, I choose Jamie D. She was the best darn boss I ever had and she's such a talented scrapper! She needs to do the CK HOF or MM Masters....because she'd stinkin' win! She never fails to inspire or make me smile, often both! I miss the heck out of her! (and her twin, Kristine, too!) You know I think you're awesome! Because you are!!



My second choice will be Elsie Flannigan. Most scrapbookers know who she is...but if you don't run to her blog (which is in the process of moving from here to here!) and check it out now! She has such a unique style and I swear she's the cutest girl I've ever seen! Her new Love, Elsie products are to die for! Yummy!



My third award to an Rockin' Girl Award goes to Sara a.k.a. Hunzer. She is freaking hilarious. She scrapbooks, she knits, she's a mom of a gaggle of kids and she's got a dirty mouth...get over it! (seriously, if foul language bothers you...you should probably skip her blog!) Anyway, I have been laughing at her blog for about 6 months! The thing I love about Hunzer is that she says what she thinks, including profanity, no matter what! And she has a charity donation link...
to do some good for others!!! (she has a BIG heart!) So, visit her blog and donate a few dollars to a good cause!



The fourth award goes to Stacy A.'s blog...My Scrap Studio. She's the best darn nurse any rockin' girl would be lucky enough to cross paths with. She's a GA girl, thru and thru! She's someone you want on your side when things get crazy. And she's the only girl I know tough enough to "pack heat!!" And she has more scrappin' talent in her pinkie than some people in their entire body! I'm super glad she's my friend! She reminds my why I miss Georgia.



And last, but certainly not least, is my mormonlicious friend AMBER!! Trust me, she's a Rockin' Girl! In fact, she's McRockin' !!!! She is super-talented, inspiring and funny, to boot! She makes me laugh. She posts beautiful pages! And I'm super proud to call her my friend. She's actually the only person that is not in my family that I've created a scrapbook page about! I did the page when she won the Adornit by Carolee's Apprentice contest and got her own scrapbooking lines produced and sold to scrapbook stores across the country. She's awesome! I love ya, McGirlie!!

So, Congratulations to MY Rockin' Girls!


Now, you guys need to choose
5 Rockin' Blogger Girls
to bestow your awards on!

Enemas, Alli-Oops and Poops...

WARNING: TMI FOR SOME......IF YOU CAN'T TELL....THIS POST IS ABOUT ALL THE AFOREMENTIONED WORDS IN THE TITLE. IF YOU DISLIKE THIS COLORFUL SUBJECT, THEN I HIGHLY RECOMMEND YOU DISREGARD THIS POST!!!!!!

This post is dedicated to my good friend Beth from SC!! A friend, no, a Sister, who I can share anything with and who is always there when I need a helping hand....I love ya!


Well, Beth was pretty disgusted by her husband's boss...who is apparently a unbelievably mean woman with no soul. Beth's teenage son has been on a student exchange in China for a month. Well, they had a problem and the flight was delayed, causing them to arrive on Monday, rather than Sunday. This was an unplanned, LAST MINUTE change. But the GM of this station would not let Beth's hubby off to go get their child and share in his "once-in-a-lifetime" return home. What an unfeeling jerk she is!


I felt so sorry for Beth....she was just so frustrated. I also feel sorry for her hubby. But, most of all, I feel sorry for Seth. But, he knows what dad's job entails.....and unfortunately, this is the life in tv. It's not the first or the last time this will happen.
But, this time it screwed him. And this is why people try to get out of tv....because of how it rules our home lives. But, I digress. Anyway, so my job became to make Beth laugh....
and I am usually successful!!!!


So, Beth and I were having a conversation this weekend about stuff and the weight loss I have experienced. I told her I felt "robbed" by not getting my well-deserved Weight Watchers sticker to put on my "bookmark." I mean, come on.... 4.6 lbs...could they not just round up and call it a victory!?! Now, I know it's just a sticker but.....this IS A BIG DEAL TO ME!!!!


I said...if I had just taken a poopy before I went to get weighed....I know I would have lost that .4 lbs. I needed to reach the sticker-worthy 5lbs.!!! This really made her laugh!


So, Beth suggested I try an enema before I leave next week. But, NO, me and enemas. We ARE NOT friends. I've only had one enema in my life and it was after I had my first child. They wouldn't let me go home until I had a BM. So, Nurse Ratchet came in w/ that bottle....and I freaked out! So, my loving husband gave me the enema! Isn't he the greatest?!!!


This floored Beth! She was like, "OMG....he did not!" Oh, but yes he did!!! I was so scared and I trusted him, not that enema wielding nurse!!! Like I told Beth....it's not like he didn't KNOW THE AREA!!!! For goodness sake, he just witnessed me turn my body inside out giving birth to his Son the day before!!!


Well, hearing my aversion to the enemas....Beth suggested I take Alli.

She told me she had tried this new product called "Alli." Now, I've seen this prominently displayed on a center end-cap at Wal-Mart, but I don't know anything about it. I know it's for weight loss...but that's all I knew. (And, I do like their packaging concept....I like the white w/ the colorful letters. But, as Ike says, I am affected by advertising. Is that bad??


Anyway, she and I are sitting here discussing this and she was telling me about taking the Alli. But, she only took it for a few days because of the tornado she had going on in her bowels. Poor baby! Apparently, you can't even eat anything remotely fatty or you "pay the price." She said she practically couldn't leave her house because of the quick need of a bathroom!


Apparently, you will witness the appearance of an oily substance floating in the toilet after your BM. OK....GROSS!!! And another wonderful side effect is the anal leakage. (I think I threw up in my mouth a little!!) Bottom line, it sounds like with Alli....the bm issues will be a Party in your Pants and you're sure to be the Party Pooper!!!! Hee hee hee!!!


(yes...I think potty humor is funny...my whole family does....)


Well, Ike was sitting here while I was talking to Beth (who he knows and loves) and when she said she couldn't leave the house...I joked...so the poopies are out of control? Like you could have an accident? To which Ike piped up and said...
"I think that's known as an Alli-OOPS!!"


Ha Ha Ha!!!! We cracked up on that one! Good one, Ike!!!



And Beth, well, Beth had the Mexican food calling her name....so she knew she better stop the Alli if she planned to consume that and avoid her own "Alli-Oops!!" So, she quit it.



(Hey Beth...I know what you can do w/ your leftover pills! Do you feel like making some "Alli" brownies to put in the GM's office?! I don't know if she needs to lose weight...but I bet it takes some weight of your shoulders!!! Hee hee hee!!!!


But, from there....the topic progressed to poop in regard to health. I mean...Oprah talked about it on air...why can't the Real Roxann?! Of course I can, and of course, I will!!!


So, on Oprah. They were talking about your health and bm's that sink or float. Apparently...if you eat a lot of fat....your poopy will float. Well...I can attest to the fact that lately my poops are sinkin'!!! Beth found this funny. And she can't believe that there was an Oprah show about this. Oh, but there was. It was Dr. Oz answers your most embarrassing health questions!! Go to her site and look it up. It's there. I promise!


Ok, ok...that's enough! But, I had to share. I hope you
weren't offended....but I warned you!!!

So...Guess Who??......






Lost 4.6 lbs last week?



Yep...it was ME!!!



(And then I did 20 minutes of pool jumping jacks. After 5 minutes my legs hurt, but I powered on thru it. After 20 minutes, I was exhausted.)



And now I can't walk. Can you say sore?

Speaking of Freedom....

I have freed myself from the bondage of my mother-in-law. I know some of you have heard the many, many insane stories of my MIL. (thanks for always listening, Michele, Sherry and Tammy....or rather, for letting me dump on ya and always taking my side!)


Anyways, I know people often say, my MIL is the devil or I have the worse MIL ever, but seriously, mine is REALLY BAD. Not that she can't be good, because she can, but unfortunately she has some untreated mental issues that often cloud her judgment and in addition, she likes to be in charge and she likes to get her way. (but, who doesn't ?... the difference is, she takes it to the extreme! Such as stalking, hanging up on you or even throwing a fit, like a 2 year old...and she's 73!)


Ok...for you to properly understand this story...we have to go back.


(Go to the restroom, grab yourself a chair, a coke and some popcorn and prepare for the show....)


When I first came into Ike's life, it was only a few weeks after I had been raped. I was, as I have said before, very emotionally unstable. I was fragile. I was a mess. I no longer knew who I was...I was angry and I was confused. But, no matter how hard I tried to push him away, he would have nothing of it. He stood by me and persevered. He was awesome.


In those early weeks of dating, he decided he wanted to marry me. But, I was way too skittish. I was downright scared and I was convinced he must be nuts to take a chance on damaged goods like me. He believed in me, but I didn't believe in me.


So, anyway, when I met Ike's mom the first week of dating Ike...she was nice to me. I had tied some pink and green balloons left over from sorority rush on the doorknob of his apartment. (for some reason, she thought this was sweet and found it entertaining...) But as the next few weeks went by, at some time Ike announced to her that he intended to marry me...and that's when it all changed. Any girlfriend he had was good and fine, until he got serious about them. (Just ask me about the time he took "A" on a family trip to North Carolina to see his sister...and the disaster that was to occur because of his insane mother!!!!)


Ok, ok....I know you guys...you're gonna want to know this story.... When Ike took his girlfriend, "A" to NC w/ his family....well, while they were there his mom got her crazy on and was convinced that "A" was "hitting on" Ike's dad. She accused of this. She got pissed and she and Ike's dad (at Ike's moms orders...left and went back to Oklahoma w/out Ike and the girlfriend) So, then Ike's sister had to get plane tickets for them to fly back to Oklahoma. THIS SERIOUSLY HAPPENED!

a) you don't go 1/2way across the country and leave your kid and his girlfriend there, even if he's w/ his sister. You just don't do it.

b) he had no money...sis paid for everything!

c) ummmm...a young, hot girl would not be "hitting on" Ike's dad.....can you say gross?

d) can you say....delusional, crazy woman (see, she doesn't just save her crazy for me...she acted like this before I came along!!)


Back to the story....... So, at that point, she decided she didn't like me and began to try to run me off....


And I have put up with her abuse for 16 years now. I am exhausted with it...and I am DONE.


Now, I know you are thinking, abuse is a pretty strong word, but it's actually accurate. This woman is an abuser. She physically (and emotionally) abused my poor husband when he was a child. And she physically (and emotionally) abuses her husband, and he is her enabler. Can you say, co-dependent? It's seriously messed up. And, although she has never physically abused me, and though she's denied it...she had emotionally abused me for the past 16 years.


She has done and said some really mean, emotionally abusive things to me over the years...here are a few examples:

• On the day before our wedding, she approached Ike and asked if he was sure he "wanted to do this." She then offered him a trip for he and his best friend anywhere they wanted to go for the entire summer, if he would just walk away and not marry me. Can you believe that? That is an attack on not only me, but a complete disregard for the $12,000 my parents had spent on our wedding.

Now, I didn't know this immediately, but when he finally told me what she had done....I was FLOORED! I could not believe how mean this woman could be!!!!

• during a fit where she didn't get her way of having her "baby" (Ike...she didn't give a crap about me) stay at her house. Every time we came to town, we stayed at her house and not w/ my parents. So after 3 months of this, I suggested to Ike we spend Friday night of Labor Day weekend at her house, then go to my parents house for the next 2 nights. Ike understood and he was happy to do this. Well, this made her mad. And once we went to my parents house, she called their house over and over, yelling and screaming at Ike about him "letting that fat little booger run his life" and topping that off with saying, "she's just a whore and she had sex with that guy and made up the rape story to make her look better.) YEP, she screamed this and Ike, me and my parents heard her yell it loudly thru the phone. Poor Ike, was embarrassed by her behavior and could only say, "Mom, don't say that." It was hard on him....I mean, who really thinks that when they get married....they would be forced to choose between their wife and their mother. That's just wrong...and she's just so darn mean.

So...I think you can start to get the picture from only those two examples....


When I began to learn just exactly how mean and hateful she could be....I began building up a wall to try to protect myself from her. I was afraid of her and what she could do to me. But for some reason... I was still seeking her approval. In my mind, she should like me and I thought she eventually would. I didn't know it then, but I was wrong. She would never fully accept me. She would just do enough to get by.


Early in my marriage, my mother (the smartest person I know) recommended to me, that I never make Ike choose between me and his mother, so I have done my best to not do anything to make him feel a need to do this over the years.


Also, there have been times that they have "helped" us financially in the past. For instance, when we were first married we were both in school and both his parents and my parents helped us financially until we graduated from college. Also, when Ike didn't have a job, they helped us financially. And when money was tight, they helped us financially. But, no matter the circumstance, even though we offered, we were told we did not need to repay them. But any "HELP" did not come for FREE. There were always strings attached. Unspoken things that were expected of us. Such as....weekly Sunday dinners, no matter what. Such as....us having to do things on their schedule, no matter what. Such as feeling they "deserve" certain things (like time with grandkids) whenever they request it. Everything comes with "conditions" that control the way we live our lives.


So, I think this kinda bring you up to speed....

-----------------------------------
So, here's what happened that was the "straw that broke the camel's back."


Readers Digest version....Gma and Gpa (my dad and stepmom) had wanted to have the big boys come to their house for a week. So, we chose that they would go home with them after Logan's party and stay that week. (then my brother invited L and J to go to church camp from Sunday to Tuesday w/ their cousins...and so we all decided that was a great idea, since the cousins are moving away next month)


Well, Ike's parents found out the kids were going to Oklahoma for the week (actually....Griffin told them....he was excited.) And even though their house is badly trashed (by the renters from this past year) and they have no furniture....the insisted on taking the kids while my dad had them. (can you say jealousy reared it's ugly head?!) They had been in town for nearly 3 weeks and never once mentioned a visit from the kids, until they found out about my dad and step-mom having them.


Eventually, I told them that we didn't think this was a good idea because of the condition of their house. They insisted that they had done enough work and it was clean enough. So, after some thought, Ike and I thought....maybe we should just let them go. So, I told them they were "busy" with my dad this week, but they can come on Sunday and you could have them the next week.


Well, this wasn't good enough. We heard 1000 reasons why this wouldn't work and that it had to be now. I said, "I'm sorry, but my dad/Janet had planned for this week. They have things planned. Janet took off of work." Well, this made her furious and they continued to insist that it had to be now. I was mad. I tried to give them what they wanted, but ultimately, this was about "taking them from my dad and Janet." So, I finally just said, "I'm sorry, but if that isn't going to work for you...then I guess we'll just have to do it another time."


(I tried to give them what they wanted and they were unwilling to make it work.)


Well, this pissed them off. They immediately emailed Ike (although, I had already told him what happened) and "TATTLED ON ME!!!"


SO TYPICAL!!!


I was so angry. He and I talked about it and made the decision together. I called and told them our decision and they went behind my back, because they didn't like my answer.


Anyway, I finally had enough. I told Ike that I thought her behavior was ridiculous, starting with the rude departure from Logan's party and then the jealous plot to get the kids away from my dad and then refusing to have them over when I offered a different time to do it. It was too much. So, when she made my Father-In-Law call me to do her dirty work. That was it.


He called and asked why I wouldn't let the kids come see them. I calmly replied that they had plans with my dad and Janet, but they were free to come on Sunday and could stay with them the next week. But, he said it wouldn't work. But they gave no reasonable explanation why it wouldn't work. He just continued to argue with me. I finally said, "Now Wayne, if you guys had the kids for a pre-planned week and I called you at the last minute and said my dad was coming to get them today, you guys would be very upset and angry." He says, "No, we wouldn't."
Now that is not true. My MIL would be so mad and we would pay the consequences. So, after over an hour of arguing with him, I finally said, "Well, if you don't want them next week...then we will have to do it another time. But, of course, that wasn't good enough!


So, they called later and continued to cause problems about this issue and finally, I had enough. I decided to email her, because she has a habit of hanging up on you when you say things she doesn't like.


So, with my husbands blessing, I wrote an email to my mother in law explaining how frustrated I was by the whole thing. Well, when I started writing....things just started tumbling out of my mouth. And when I started realllly reading what I had written, I was surprised by how much I had to say. Once I started, it all came spilling out. ALL sixteen years of it.


Well, for speaking the truth. I received 4 really HATEFUL and THREATENING phone messages, followed up with a couple of scathing emails. I was called the meanest person ever. (ummm...no, that title is yours) She called me a liar. (which isn't surprising) But, when I got reallllly mad is when she denied several major things and called Ike a liar 3 times. Now, that I have a problem with. She can call me a liar all she wants. It hurts my feelings, but I will live. But to call your own son a liar, especially about these certain things is inexcusable. So, I really laid into her.


Well, when all was said and done, we are no longer speaking. And Ike chose to totally back me up, even though I told him he could do whatever he wanted to in relation to his parents. And we haven't spoken to them in over 2 weeks.


And I feel like a HUGE burden has been lifted off of me. More than I ever realized!


Not only that, but in sharing this w/ my therapist, she was floored with how I let her treat me over the years. I told her how I felt like my MIL's opinion of me, really hurt me. She pointed out that many of my mother-in-law's behavior were much like my rapists. (the controlling, the emotional torturing, the name-calling, etc.) Wow. I had never thought of it in those terms before!



Now, I won't say I am 100% innocent in all this...but some things I've done, have been done completely in response to how I've been treated by her. And yes, I wish it was different, but it's not. But, I have never in my life had to deal with a person like her. And I don't know how to deal w/ her bs. And I don't want to. Anymore.


The worst part is I feel so guilty, although, Ike made his decision on his own, I know he did it to support me. And I appreciate that. But, it still makes me feel bad. Darn it.


But, I had to do it. It was tearing me down as a person and I'm trying to do what I can to "fix" myself and to become better and stronger.
But, that doesn't mean it was easy. And I'm sure it's not over. We'll see.....

Anybody have any advice for me??

What a Marvelous day!

"o'er the land of the FREE and the home of the BRAVE!"

-------------------------------------------

Happy 4th of July Memories!!





We started the day being LA-Zee! We just took it easy for the morning and after lunch, we mozied on out to the pool!


I snapped this picture of myself before getting wet, because I figured it would be the only one I would end up being in!


The neighbors came over and jumped in the pool, too! Everything was going GREAT, until Ike looked over and noticed the big "wall" cloud coming over the horizon. Amazingly, within like 20 minutes....the cloud grew, our beautiful sunny day changed and the city tornado sirens were going off. Everyone jumped out of the pool and ran it as fast as we could! Can you believe that?!

Sure enough a tornado touched down about 15 miles from our house. And even more scary, there was a tornado that formed (and Ike's station got it on camera) about 5 blocks from our house! (it did not reach the ground...the funnel formed and then went back into the sky.)


Then, it rained off and on for the next 3 hours or so! Talk about a damper on the day!!!!




When the rain began clearing around 5:30....we started getting all the stuff over to the neighbors for our cookout!



<-------- This is Cary....he's excited about this firework!

I had to get a pic of it when I saw the missles said....

TNT!!!!


Hilarious!!!!

Of course, this is Big Daddy.....with one of his 9 million bricks of firecrackers he loves so much!! (Why does this holiday make grown men act like a bunch of children?????)

----->
Too many of these...

<----- Make the princess do this! Poor baby hated it!

I failed to get a pic of the food spread Kelly and I put out, but I can tell you it was good! (and I behaved myself, until this----->)

This concoction is Kelly's homemade ice cream which is FANTASTIC!!!! It's seriously delicious!!!! So, anyway, during the cookout, I measured everything and brought my own "lowfat" chips and my own whole wheat bun for my turkey burger that Kelly measured out for me. I did realllly well.
But then, I had the 1/2 cup of 7-points worth of homemade ice cream with the "measured" 1-point worth of fresh strawberries and blueberries. But, ultimately, I could not resist. And eventually, I had a second 1/2 cup of Kelly's fabulous ice cream. (this time without any delicious berries!)
THANK GOD FOR FLEX POINTS~

I really enjoyed watching the children play and enjoy the day!

This is me and my friend Kelly....she's fabulous! I'm really glad she's my neighbor and I'm even more glad she's my friend!!!

------>
Logan.....dancing around in
"smoke bomb" smoke!

<---- Happy Birthday, America!!! From an American Princess!!!

------->

Look at this American guy and the beautiful sky in the background....eventually, the sun did come back out and then we were treated to these fantastic colors as the sun went down!

<----- A true American CUTIE!!

And finally, the fireworks.....turns out I have no idea how to take pics w/ my new camera of fireworks.....

So, this was all experimentation....coulda been better, but could been much, much worse!!!

Hope your day was *fantastic*!!!!

HAPPY
4th
of
July!!!!

Self-Portrait Tuesday

Can you tell I am exhausted?!?!?!

ps...i know, i know...it's really only 12:17pm here....technically wednesday, but really still tuesday to me....

Thanks for the advice....

...So, the great therapist debate continues.....


I have an appt. on August 18th with the one guy. (but honestly, I think I prefer a female, but it's there if I need it.

And I thought the Christian doc was ignoring me, since I received no return phone call today...until I checked the caller ID. Turns out, she called, talked to Ike and he forgot to tell me. So, now it's almost 6pm and I left a message back to her, but tomorrow is the 4th, so now we are talkin' it will be at least Thursday until I hear from her! Ugh!

Now, I feel the need to say, although most of you actually know me and you know I am not one of those people who go around droppin' the "F-Bomb" every other word or even cuss THAT much. (ok, well sometimes a little cursing when there are no kids around.....) I guess my concern is....I don't want to offend her. But, honestly, I think I could use the religious guidance that she could provide.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their advice on this subject......

So, what's worse?

Feeling like your crazy or actually being crazy?


Now, forgive me, I don't mean to make fun of being crazy, but since I am being treated for mental stuff, I think I have a right to joke, in order to deal with things.

I know being crazy isn't funny...it's actually can be very sad. Trust me, I deal with these issues and try to figure out where I fall into this very wide category. (my therapist assures me I am not as crazy as I sometime feel....I'm just my own worst critic and my inner judge is really harsh....see, I am a meanie...to myself!)


Anyways, so my quest today is to get an appointment with a Psychiatrist. (this is a doctor, who manages meds and can evaluate mental capabilities and issues) So, basically, this doctor will make sure that some anxiety, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and depression are my only issues....and I need to know.


To be honest, this scares the crap out of me. What if he determines I am nuts. What if he gives me some diagnosis that I don't want to carry. (sorry, but some diagnoses carry some pretty bad stigmas.) And, believe me, I have enough on my plate now! But, I will, as always, deal with whatever info I am given.


As I have said before, I just want off the roller coaster!
(and sometimes medical management is necessary for this to happen...I guess we'll see what happens...)



But, today I was reminded I live in a small town. (Yes, my town is bigger than Richmond Hill but smaller than Savannah.) So, anyway, there are 11 Psychiatrists listed on my insurance, but that list was quickly whittled down to 3. The first has closed her office. The second only practices every Saturday and two Thursdays a month....read, I can't get an appt. w/ him until August 18th. The third is a Christian therapist, which I am not opposed to, but I'm a little scared that I might accidentaly drop the "F-bomb" or some version of it in front of her, as I have a tendency to do when I talk about that fu@*er that raped me.
(I just call it like I see it!)

But, I can handle it fine. I'm trying to quit cussing anyway and I am really good at censoring myself around children and my brother and parents.

So, if I break out in a #*$PICKLES*#% will this one be able to handle my CRAZY?


After all, I am just trying to protect her from me. Is it crazy that I feel the need to do that?


So, whose the crazy one now?

Hi, My name is Roxann.....

...and I'm a Weight Watcher.

Geez, where do I start? So, I get up this morning to pouring rain. Good thing I am supposed to meet Kathy (the GM at Ike's station) at the WW meeting, otherwise at 7:45am in the pouring rain, I might have found myself....OK, definitely would have found myself snuggling right back up to Big Daddy and skipping the meeting! But, I put my feet on the floor and began my day.

As I left for the meeting, feeling like a girl about to throw herself into a volcano as a sacrifice (I know, I know, but I'm a drama queen....) I was nervous. Very nervous. My stomach was torn up....(ah, and now I see how it works, the thought of getting weighed by a stranger that is not a medical professional freaks you out so bad, you don't want to eat...)

So, I get there and find I have to park 4 rows over (hmm..... apparently I'm not the only one with a weight issue) and I run thru the pouring rain. Kathy is at the door, waiting on me and waving. Boy, it sure is easier with a friend.

We go in, where the WW welcome lady, deluges me with information and asks me which plan I want to pay for. Of course, I knew it would cost money...but I was in no way prepared for the amount of things they would sell, that I would need. So, I began making the mental list.... ($20 join fee...$12.00 weekly meeting fee....$??? books....$??? food.... yikes!!!) I started stressing out and I really wanted to make a break for it! Again, thank goodness, Kathy was there.

So, because I am still not sure I want to go to meetings every week....I am thinking of joining online....so I ask about the "free" try a meeting deal listed on the internet. Quite frankly, the lady seems irritated with me. She finally admits we can sit thru the meeting and join after. (good choice sister, because that's what I was doing...with or without you!)

The leader was a cutie who lost 75lbs in 2006 and has kept it off! She motivated us with her "Happy THIndependence Day!" speech, complete with a cute pledge re-written to motivate us to make good food choices at our celebrations this week!
And, she did motivate me. Just by her tag proclaiming she lost 75 lbs in 2006. (maybe there is hope for me, yet...)

So, after the meeting, we need to join. (Kathy wants to do weigh-ins, so I will do it with her, instead of on-line.) We need to pay for meetings. We need books. We need resources. So...$192 later...I am joined for 14 weeks (well, 13 more after today.) And, I have all the books I need to calculate points at the grocery store, the restaurants and a little slide calculator for doing it while reading food labels.

I think I'm ready to do it.....

So...in the interest of being honest...I have to decide whether or not to share with you my weight. I mean, this is ~the Real Roxann~ right? I mean, it's just a number. What does it really mean? You all love me, no matter what that number is, right?! You support me...you don't judge...right?!

Ok...here it goes. Why is this so hard to admit, it's not like you all don't know I am big. Ok...try again. My weigh in was 272. Gosh....272. I really need to do this....and I need your support. It could save my life.

So, my first weight goal is 10%. 27 pounds. Wow. That's a lot. 27 pounds. I can't even think of something that is 27 pounds. But...that's what I have to lose to start with.

Long term....I should probably lose 150 (my best guess,) but lets see how this goes before we start talking about losing enough weight to equal another whole person.

And now, I want to say to Big Daddy... thank you for your support. Thank you for not rolling your eyes as I calculate points, even if you think I am nuts! Thank you for supporting me, by doing it to. You are really willing to give up sugar, just because I have to? Now...that's love. Thank you for always accepting me, no matter if I am 272 or 125. Thank you for loving me and telling me I am beautiful. You will never know how much this means to me...really.... I love you.

And to you, my loving friends, thank you for your kind words of support. Although, you guys think I am strong, I am not. I am weak and I am scared to death. Most of all, I'm afraid I will fail and disappoint you. But, thank you for your belief in me. And thank you for listening. But, most of all, thank you for choosing me as your friend and accepting me, just like I am. I really love you guys!

Aaa Haaa Woo Hoo Aaaa Haaa!!!!!

I bought a PLANE TICKET today!!!


Woo Hoo....I'll see you in August!!!!!!


I CANNOT WAIT!!!!

Well, I didn't want to say until I knew for sure....

...but, I got my A1C blood test results today and I have diabetes. Wow, that feels really weird writing that. I am sick. I have diabetes. Type 2 diabetes. (nope, writing it over and over doesn't make it feel better)

I know you've probably picked up that I've been going to the doctor quite a bit lately. It started out innocently enough, I just needed to have my blood pressure medicine renewed. At this visit, that's when I cried 4 times and got some anti-d's and a one-way ticket to talk to the therapist. In addition, my new doctor suggested some blood tests after listening to me whine about my lethargy, headaches and feeling like general crap all the time. I walked out of there...forgetting that I had even had it done.

Until 10 days later, when they called about some concerning blood test results.

#1 - my potassium level was way to low. So me, I say...no biggie! I eat a banana. Well, apparently, it's not that simple. Muscles need potassium to work. Your heart is a muscle. Without enough potassium, it won't work. (or at least not like it should) So, this is serious. Welcome to now I have to take potassium pills and I have to have it monitered in my blood. Fun!

#2 - my fasting blood sugar was 125. Which = not good. So, I had to repeat the test the following day, to make sure it wasn't a mistake.

So, I repeated the test, fast forward a week and the next result was 129. Apparently, the first test was not a mistake.

So, upon getting these results, the doctor wanted to do this larger, more conclusive A1C blood test. This test measures your blood sugars over the past 3 months and gives a more clear picture regarding your body's processing of sugar.

Here's the Roxann version of how the A1C works. So, the hemoglobin in your blood has red-blood cells. The life of a red-blood cell is 120 days. When you eat sugar, your body is supposed to break down the sugar and it glucatates (or some medical word like that) and attaches to the red-blood cells. So, by measuring this, it tells them basically an average of about 3 months. Does that make sense? (again, that's my version of it.......not the AMA's)

So, I had this blood test done last Thursday along with a re-check of the potassium.

Fast forward to today at 2:47pm --

My potassium level is looking better....keep taking the potassium pills, though.

My A1C result is 6.1. And it should be 5.9 or less. So, it's almost borderline, but I have Diabetes. (nope, still not easier)

So, the doc is referring me to the hospital's diabetic center. (after they consult with my insurance, of course.) So, I have to see a dietician and I have to go to these diabetes classes. And if you know me, you know I am completely overwhelmed, but ready to tackle this sucker head-on!!!

So...if you know of any sugar-free products you like....let me know.

If you have any diabetic recipes....mail them to me.

And if you believe in prayer...send one up for me. I've sure been under fire lately.

So, for now. I am ~the real Roxann~ the new diabetic. And I'm joining Weight Watchers on Saturday. For now, it's all I can do. Wish me luck...

HOLY STAMPERS!

My NEW STAMPIN' UP! CATALOG IS HERE!!!!!


Guess what I'll be doing the rest of the day.....

...making my new list of stamp sets I can't live without!!!!

Our trip to Tulsa....

When I got to G-ma and G-pa's house on Saturday night....boy were the kids excited to see me and their sister!!!! They were so hyper!!


On Sunday morning, we went to church. Of course, about 5 minutes before leaving, I realized I could not find M's white sandals. I knew I had put them in the bag, but they were not there. Argh! So, M and I made a detour at 8:30am to Wal-Mart to buy shoes. I was not going to bring her in hot-pink, dirty Croc knock-offs with her pretty dress!! Was NOT going to happen!!! So, I did arrive at Sunday School late. Oh well, would you really expect that I would be on time?!?!

But, wow! What a great day! During Sunday School, we saw a Beth Moore movie. Wow...if you've never heard her....you should read one of her books...Well, within 4 minutes I was in tears. Just as I walked in late, she was talking about being held hostage by things in our past....Wow! Can you say this lesson was meant for ME!

Then, the preacher's message was also very good, except I got paged by the nursery in the middle of it, because M was crying her eyeballs out! Poor sweet angel! She was brave at first, but that faded away into panic of "where's my mommy?" But, she did pretty good.

I saw my old youth sponsors, Steve and Sonja B. I love them!!! Sonja updated me on their girls, who are 21 and 25 now. (that is just wrong! I changed both of those girls' diapers!!!!!) Just seeing them brings back such good memories...memories that are very close to my heart!! I seriously love these people...they are fantastic!!! I also saw so many people that are important to me and have known me since I was a little girl. Such love there. And I was super excited to see a friend of mine, Jennifer, who went to college w/ me. I got to see her adorable daughter, Camden, who is close in age to Marinne. It was so good to hug her and I was sad to hear she's going thru a divorce....Jen....call me if you need someone to listen.....((hugs))

Anyway, several people mentioned after seeing my kids how much they looked like me (and Ike, too) but I was surprised how many time I heard that Marinne looks like my mom. That warmed my heart.

Speaking of Marinne.....



Grampa wanted this picture.....
...it's not great, as the camera battery was dying and it only let me take this one....but he loved her hair in the double ponytail, so he asked me to take this picture.

On Monday, I took L and J to see their friends A and R. They all went to school together. We have gotten together every summer since we moved. We spent the day in the pool and even though it rained/sprinkled about 5 times while we were there...they still had a blast! A and R have a little sister who is 4 months younger than M and she goes off the diving board. So, you guessed it, M was going off the diving board after seeing A do it! And these tiny girls did this like 25 times each. As A warmed up to me, she wanted me to catch her off the board and she started calling me "other mommy." Isn't this cute?!?! I can't believe how brave these little girls are!!!


Here they are....minus R and M. R was getting kinda grumpy and M had already gotten out of the pool and was having a snack. There was no way she was going to give up fruit snacks for our picture!!

I snapped this one poolside, while she ate fruit snacks. I changed it to B/W because her suit is pale pink and the floaties are bright orange!

Doesn't she look so sweet?!


On Tuesday night, I was so happy to be able to see our oldest couple friends...the Warwicks.....you see, we go WAY, WAY BACK!!! And I seriously love this FAMILY!!!! All 4 of them!!!!

So, the dad....Matt and I met and dated for a few weeks over the Summer of 1990 at Oklahoma State University. He's a great guy. But he's Catholic and I wasn't, so it just wasn't meant to be. (plus I'm a little too high maintenence for him!!!) But, we remained friends as the years went by....tied together by a love of Melrose Place. Over the years, he met my hubby and they became friends. And I was quite busy trying to set him up on dates w/ my friends. But, he could not seem to find the right girl and the wrong girls always seemed to find him....

Then, one day, Erica was brought into my life, by circumstances that were unfortunate for both she and I. But, nevertheless, we formed a bond and became good friends. And as I got to know her...I realized, she had a LOT in common with my good buddy Matt. So, I got them together over a movie and they hit it off.

Fast forward over a decade and they are married with 2 kids and still our best friends.......and I miss them sooooo much....
and I love them even more!!!

So, everytime we get to visit.....we try to snap a pic of the kids so we can see how much they've changed and grown.

Here's the June 2007 version:

Logan 11, Jensen 8 1/2, Danny 8 1/2 (5 weeks apart,) Marinne 2 1/2, Josh 5 and Griffin 4 1/2.


Except for the sudden departure....the visit was fantastic. We spent a bunch of time just hanging out, which is what I love the best. Oh, and I started reading a Beth Moore book that my step mom has graciously loaned to me, so I could finish reading it.

Self-Portrait Thursday?

Well, I took it on Tuesday, like the "rules" state. I just didn't have access to post it until today!


I guess I'll really have to try to take the pic and post it on TUESDAY.....next week!!!!

I'm BACK.....

Got the kids...they had a great time! The big boys *loved* church camp! They had a blast and they say they want to go back next year.....

Once I finally left, I decided to stay a few days. We had a really nice visit! Now G-ma and G-pa have to use this week to recover!!! I had planned to come home on Wednesday, but Ike had a late meeting scheduled, so we weren't in a hurry.

(TMI alert for coming passages.....but I just tell you like it is.....)

Until....Ike called at about 1:30pm with a scared voice. He was passing blood in his urine and he was freaked out! For once, I was pretending to be "the calm one" and I urged him not to worry, it was probably a urinary tract or bladder or kidney infection. But, he was still freaking... and actually, so was I. (of course, I didn't tell him that I was freaking.....I just calmly told him how to look up what Minor Emergency Center he could go to and gave him the insurance information he needed.) Poor guy had a fever and felt raunchy to boot! (and I wasn't here to be with him....)

So, I quickly got upgraded to "we are in a hurry to get home" status. My step mom started shoving the kids things in bags and I was dragging stuff to the front door. My dad and the kids started carrying it out, while I met them outside to carefully cram everything in the van. It's a jumbled up mess at this point!!! But, we got out of there pretty quick....

Before we could even leave town, I had to get gas. And I had to use the facilities, because my stomach was so messed up! (Don't you hate it when you get so worried that your bowels betray you?) Thank God I had to drive across Tulsa before leaving town and they sold 7-up!

Anyways, we came blazing home (to the tune of 4 hours) and found Big Daddy laid up in bed. He has a horrid UTI and that's so weird, because men rarely get them. But, the dr. says his is BAD! Poor Guy!!! And as an added bonus they gave him a prostate exam. Can you imagine, that would be bad enough, but to have to have one when you feel like dookie....not cool! I felt real sorry for him and boy was he glad we were home.

Luckily, the doc gave him the nuclear bomb anti-biotic and he was already feeling a tiny bit better.

I put the 2 littles to bed at 8pm and the 2 bigs to bed at 8:30pm and Big Daddy and I were in bed by 9pm. We were all exhausted! Gosh, we are OLD!!!

So....how was your weekend?!?!

I'm off to get my kids.....

....and I've decided to stay in Tulsa a day or two. So, I'll be leaving the computer at home. Too much hassle for a girl like me.....

Talk to you all REAL soon!

xoxoxo

rox

I've been tagged by Amber! (thanks a lot!)

now- I need to tag some people. Ok-

Lisa, Amanda, Jamie, and Roxy...... let's see em girls!!

7 random facts about me....

1. When I got one of these "tags" I sit and obsess for the first 30 minutes about how to give you guys the most clever, witty and truthful answers and I worry you will judge me if I reallllly tell the truth.

2. I am TERRIBLE about picking, chewing and pulling at my cuticles. And they usually look like crap. And the more stressed I am, the worse they look.

3. I used to be a sorority girl. Big bows. Plaid clothes. As big daddy would say....I rolled in the posies and cried w/ my sisters. And I LOVED every dang minute of it.

4. I don't think I will ever teach school again. I just don't want to go back and give the best I have to other people's kids. I think I would be a seriously bad mother to my own kids. Maybe not, though.

5. I'd love to be a labor/delivery nurse, but its the needles that I just don't know if I could deal with.

6. Seriously, I still think about having babies, even though I am TOTALLY DONE with that. But, it does make me sad every time I think about being DONE. (I know, I'm insane.) (and Stacy...no comments from the peanut gallery...but it's because of nurses like you, that make me want to do #5....Thanks and hugs!)

7. I can "hold it" like FOREVER. Sometimes I even surprise myself when I think I "need to go" and like 4- 6 hours later...I still haven't gone. Sometime dragging all these kids into a public b/room w/ me ....just isn't worth it....kwim?

So...there you have it....NOW I TAG:

Sherry P.
Beth
Elizabeth
Kerry
Nikki
Karen

Tell us 7 random facts about you!!!!

THIS is where I am going......

WOO HOO!!!! That's all I have to say about that!!!!!!