The mess that is me....

Ok, I promised I'd be talking more about "serious stuff."



Like I said, I'm not sure why all that tumbled out when it did....but, I don't regret saying it. To me, it's just fact. I struggle so much with all the fall-out of what happened to me. In the beginning, I was the only casualty. But, as the days went by, and I told those close to me.....the list of casualties grew. To my brother. To my parents. To Ike. To some of my friends. Just hearing what I had gone through, was almost too much for some of them to bear. Some just could not deal with it. Some sought therapy of their own.



And here we are. Dealing with the fall-out still. That's what pisses me off. I feel like I should be done with it. Over it. Moved on. But, it never seems to ever go away. Even when I do forget about it and move on....something small can happen....and it's back in an instant.



Some of it is big stuff, some of it is small stuff. But, it's all devastating.



Did you know that the reason my memory is so bad (according to my previous therapist) is that I have blocked so much stuff out...that my brain has to work overtime on that, which leaves it fatigued when it comes to other stuff. Basically, I have blocked things that I can't deal with and it took "good" stuff with it, too. For instance, I have no memory of OUR first date and first kiss. Ike can tell me the story of that night and I can go........hmmm, that seems familiar, but I have no actual memory of it. And now, I can "remember" it because he had told me the story so many times, that I remember what "he told me" but not the actual event. Does that make any sense at all?




Did you know that even though we are celebrating our 15th anniversary in a few weeks, the fall-out almost ruined our marriage in the early years? It was so hard. Here's an example of what our marriage has had to endure. One time, we had a fight over something that was probably stupid (I don't remember what the fight was about.) and I was pretty upset. I tried to walk away....you see, after my rape, that's what I did....in the face of adversity, I ran away. So, Ike reached out to my hand to get me to stop, to calm me down. But, it backfired in his face. What happened was that I had a "flashback." I didn't want to be held against my will and I freaked out. This had nothing to do with Ike. It was "fall-out." I happened to be standing in a doorway of our home and I ripped my hand/arm away from him. Hard. Screaming and out-of-control. When I did, I hit the corner where the 2 walls meet. Realllly hard. And then I ran. Right out the front door. In a panic. I ran to my car and when I tried to open the car door....I fell on the ground in pain. Ike carried me back into the house and we determined pretty quickly that I had to go to the emergency room. I had broken every blood vessel across the top of my hand. We made up a story because I didn't want the ER people to ask me questions. I avoided questions at all costs.



Behavior like this continued thru the first whole year of our marriage. Either things were really good and it was a good day. But, most days were filled with chaos. And the nights filled with nightmares. So, we partied. Often. When I was drinking, I didn't have to worry about it. I wasn't an alcoholic or anything like that, but we did drink several times a week with our friends. (In our defense, we were still in college...and that's just what we did. That's what we did before I was raped. But now, my motivation was different. I didn't drink socially, really....I drank to forget.)



I just tried to pretend that it never happened. To ignore it. (ask me how well that worked!!)



We also had problems in our physical relationship because of me. Sorry, tmi....but, it's part of the story. I had flashbacks much of the time we were together. Sometimes, they were minor. Most of the time....they were horrible. Can you imagine being a newlywed and the whole sex thing not working out too well? Well, it was bad. For Ike. For me. And I struggled with massive guilt because of it. We'd seem to make 2 steps forward and 10 steps back. I struggled with issues of being "whorish" because of how the rapist had treated me....and I had trouble with the line between normal physical relations between husband and wife and what that bastard had done to me. Because some of it was the same physical acts. I just did not have a "healthy" view of sex. Period. It was a very difficult thing for both Ike and me. And I'd be lying if I didn't say I still struggle with it today. Not to the same extent as back then, but still in some ways. I hate that.



So, the more I tried to push down what happened, the more it threatened to explode out. And when it did, it was devastating.



Finally, during that first year, I sought out therapy thru the campus health system. It seemed like a good idea. Until I walked in there and the woman said, "For me to help you, you are going to have to tell me exactly what happened to you." Well, I freaked. I wasn't ready to go there. I spent all my time trying to repress those memories, not rehash them. So, I walked out and never went back.


In early 2003, Ike was offered a job for the 3rd time at a tv station in Tulsa. So, he figured he better take it. After we moved to Tulsa, the problems got worse. I eventually sought help at Call Rape, a non-profit agency in Tulsa. I went thru like 2 years of individual therapy, therapy with Ike and group therapy. It was very helpful.


I did a lot of public speaking about my experience and about Call Rape. I did articles in many publications. Ike and I spoke together many times. It was hard and scary, but it was good for me. It helped me progress in my healing.


You know, the thing that shows me I'm still making progress probably seems so small to everyone else, but it's such a big deal to me. It's a window. My bedroom window. I haven't been able to sleep with the window open in over 15 years. I've been doing it all Spring long. Now granted, my window is a considerable distance off the ground, but someone could still get into it w/ the right equipment. But this is a huge thing for me. Huge.



Ok, I think this is enough for now. I've already ran down my laptop battery writing all this out and now I'm plugged into the wall. And now, I'm exhausted.....and it's only 9:45am.



Please feel free to comment or ask questions. I don't mind. Talking about it can be very therapeutic.



I think I mentioned going to the doctor yesterday. My blood pressure was thru the roof. And he put me on some yummy meds to help me deal w/ all this anxiety. I hope it helps. But, he says he's concerned with how "fragile" I seem (hmmmmm....was crying 3 times in 20 minutes the dead giveaway?) But, he says he can see how I'd be so stressed w/ the move, the 2 houses to pay for, the kids, the flood, the no friends......... So, he's sending me to a therapist. And quite frankly, I can't wait to go.




I'm done with the rollercoaster.....and I want off. I prefer selling the tickets.